Sunday, December 29, 2013
Thursday, December 26, 2013
Monday, December 23, 2013
Sunday, December 22, 2013
Saturday, December 21, 2013
I remember going to Kitty’s house for my 40th birthday. She gathered her family together, and we had nice food and drink.
All my friends were busy during this time, I am sure. Raising kids, or focusing on continuing education and their careers. For me, this birthday was a far cry from my 30th. I remember when I turned thirty, someone gave me a large button to wear that read “30 And Still Rockin”. And I was! At forty, I probably deserved one that read “40 And Tired As Hell”.
Gone were the days of the Jackson 5 and "Thriller". Michael Jackson was being accused of inappropriate behavior with children. Madonna kissed Brittney Spears at the VMAs. Eminem, J-Lo, Beyonce, and 50 Cent were the popular artists. The "Lord of the Rings" triology was in full swing, and so was one of my favorites to this day, "Survivor" (I've watched every season).
During that ten year period, everything about my life had changed. I was 8 years in to an alcoholic marriage, and I now had two children. We had built a new home, and had just moved in to it four months before my birthday.
My son was 6, and my daughter was 4. My 4 year old was (and still is) extremely intense, and at the time, quite challenging. Sometimes she literally wiped us out. Although she was raised in the same environment as my son, I was told many times that I had “spoiled” her. People seemed desperate to put the blame for her intense behavior on someone. That someone was usually me. Even though I was now desperately codependent, and had become accustomed to taking full responsibility for the actions of almost everyone around me, I knew in my heart I had done nothing different with her. I knew this was her genetics, and her personality, plain and simple, and that I was not responsible for that. I fought for her and protected her with every bit of life that was in me--to nurture her and to teach her how to deal with the extreme feelings she possessed. I knew damn good and well where she got them, and I knew she either had to learn to deal with those extreme highs and lows, or give in to them and spend her life self medicating them as her father had done. My daughter was a main focus for me during this time.
My mother’s health was deteriorating.
I was fucking exhausted. I worked full time, then came home to start my second job—making sure the kids were fed and bathed, and my son’s homework was done. Usually my husband did not arrive home from work and the bar until 8:30 or 9:00 in the evening. By then he was usually in no shape to help me, or to spend any quality time with me. His drinking was at the first of two all time highs right about then. I felt out of control. I couldn’t control his drinking, I couldn’t control my daughter’s temper tantrums, I couldn’t control what others thought. People told me I needed to “put my foot down” with the both of them. As I’ve written before; I could have put my foot down til it busted through in China and not been able to control either of these situations. The best I could do was to manage them, and managing them was sucking the life out of me.
I got to the point where I didn’t care about getting dressed up for work. The days of my cute dresses and business suits with heels were gone. I was going for comfort. If that meant “old lady shoes”, then that’s what I wore. I rarely had time or energy for makeup.
I hated alcohol so badly during this time that I didn’t drink a lot. Mainly on Sundays with Scarlet. But I ate. Food gave me comfort. I started gaining weight.
Maybe I like the show "Survivor" so much because that's what I was doing. I think I was just surviving at that time of my life. Not living—surviving. Trying to figure out how to "Outwit, Outplay, Outlast". I no longer had time to lie in the floor and listen to Beatles music. I wasn’t the vibrant, beautiful girl my husband had married, and I realized that. Comfortable, practical pajamas took the place of sexy lingerie. But he was very different too. We were still "a couple" at that time, but the stresses of life were definitely affecting us both. I was exhausted. Alcohol had totally consumed him.
To say I still had everything I needed, and most of what I wanted would not be entirely accurate. Materially yes. Mentally and physically, my life was taking a turn, and it was definitely NOT what I wanted.
Thursday, December 19, 2013
Tuesday, December 17, 2013
Sunday, December 15, 2013
Wednesday, December 11, 2013
Saturday, December 7, 2013
Sunday, December 1, 2013
Saturday, November 30, 2013
I was visiting with Kitty and her very good friend Theresa. We were talking about age, aging, and all that. Theresa is in her late 50’s. At one point in the conversation, she said with a sparkle in her eye, “Oh, what I wouldn’t give to be 50 again!!!”.
Funny how at any one given moment, we are all at so many different places in our lives.
Wednesday, November 27, 2013
Monday, November 25, 2013
Sunday, November 24, 2013
Friday, November 22, 2013
Tuesday, November 19, 2013
Monday, November 18, 2013
Sunday, November 17, 2013
Saturday, October 26, 2013
Tuesday, October 22, 2013
Saturday, October 19, 2013
You know that feeling you get when it’s rained, even stormed for a really long time, and you start to feel it’s going to rain forever, then it suddenly stops? The skies slowly begin to clear. The clouds are still above you, but you see clear skies, maybe even the sun in the distance?
That’s how I feel inside.
I feel as if I’ve crossed over in to some new chapter in my life. A lot of things have happened to me. For the past weeks I’ve felt numb about writing. There was just nothing in my head. But now I feel like I’m feeling like the skies are clearing, and I’m beginning to know where I want to go. I may not be there yet, but maybe I at least know where I’m going.
I’m on vacation for the next couple of weeks, and hope to be able to write. Don’t give up on me.
Sunday, October 13, 2013
Friday, October 4, 2013
Monday, September 30, 2013
Wednesday, September 25, 2013
Monday, September 23, 2013
Sunday, September 22, 2013
Saturday, September 21, 2013
Tuesday, September 17, 2013
Sunday, September 8, 2013
Thursday, September 5, 2013
Sunday, September 1, 2013
Sunday, August 25, 2013
Thursday, August 22, 2013
Tuesday, August 20, 2013
Monday, August 12, 2013
Saturday, August 10, 2013
Friday, August 9, 2013
Thursday, July 25, 2013
Tuesday, July 23, 2013
Wednesday, July 17, 2013
Saturday, July 6, 2013
Thursday, July 4, 2013
Wednesday, July 3, 2013
Tuesday, July 2, 2013
Sunday, June 30, 2013
Something you aspire to is reasonably within reach. You are almost there, Capricorn. But if we were to use geography as a metaphor for your quest, we might say that there is a straight line between point A and Point B, but there is a mountain in the middle of them. The questions you need to ask yourself would be similar to: 1. How big is the mountain? 2. How are my mountain-climbing skills? And 3. Will the ultimate prize be worth the climb? Only you can answer this, so trust in yourself.
Thursday, June 27, 2013
Sunday, June 23, 2013
Saturday, June 22, 2013
Wednesday, June 19, 2013
Monday, June 17, 2013
Friday, June 7, 2013
Tuesday, June 4, 2013
Monday, June 3, 2013
Sunday, June 2, 2013
Saturday, June 1, 2013
Wednesday, May 29, 2013
Monday, May 27, 2013
I don't really know why that bothered me, but it did. A lot.
The older I get, the more I do not want to wear beige. I do not want to blend in with the rest of the old people and their neutral, invisible, practical clothes and shoes. I say get a flower painted on your damn toe! Get a tattoo! Be alive! Let the world know who you are. Celebrate life!
Thursday, May 9, 2013
To that I say, I am really, really blessed, because I have a circle of strong women and men that have supported me through thick and thin. Through good times and bad. Through heart aches and heart breaks, the loss of my mother, and even financial woes. I've cried to them, they sometimes cry to me.
I'm very happy that I can trust my friends. And I'm so blessed to have them.
Wednesday, May 8, 2013
The first occurs mid month, when my friend Old Beth celebrates her milestone birthday.
For the record, I don't call her Old Beth because she's old. I call her that because I have two good friends named Beth, and one day, years ago, when I mentioned "Beth" was coming for a visit, my son said "Which Beth?" I realized I didn't think my kids actually knew the last name of either of them, so I had to think of some way to distinguish them. At the time they'd only met my work friend Beth on a couple of occasions, but had known the other one their entire lives, so I said "OLD Beth". It stuck.
I first met Old Beth in the 4th grade but we didn't get tight until middle school. She still looks like a kid. She's cute, small, and feisty.
I haven't talked to her a lot about her feelings on turning 50. After surviving a horrific car crash in the early 80's, I would say she's just glad to be alive.
I know she's not where she thought she would be in life right now. A lot of us aren't. But she's beautiful, she's funny, and she is so very blessed.
I hope and pray she will see that and will make the most of what life has to offer. I feel like there's a lot more to come for Old Beth!!
Monday, May 6, 2013
For so many of my friends, life is happening--ready or not.
New, exciting romance.
Things that come too late.
Sunday, April 28, 2013
A few short years ago, I would be physically ill right now, worrying about what stunts my husband, aka "The Derby Ambassador", aka "The Derby Sheriff" might pull this week. This year I just don't care. No butterflies in the stomach at the first mention of the "Run For The Roses", starting immediately after the new year. No anxiety as "Thunder" officially kicked things off last weekend.
Thank you God. Thank you Melody Beattie. Thank you Kate. Thank you my friends.
I truly, truly don't care any more.
Tuesday, April 23, 2013
Thanks to television and the internet, we live in a society where we have information pouring in 24/7. Scandals and sordid information just waiting to seethe out.
It's human nature to want to know what's happening around us, but sometimes knowing too much changes things. Sometimes all it does is hurt us.
Monday, April 22, 2013
Sunday, April 21, 2013
This passion lives on in my daughter, who is now 13. She loves music, and she loves to sing. She knows it's in her blood, and she knows where it came from.
Today marked the 5th anniversary of the death of my mother. Naturally, it was on my mind, and I felt emotional. In the early part of the evening, I sat down on the couch to rest. It was very quiet in the house, and with a cat curled up on my lap, I dozed off. As I was beginning to wake, the sun was beginning to set. The light in the room was fading, and I could hear my daughter upstairs in the shower singing. I was thinking what a nice way that was to wake up. I didn't recognize the song she was singing, but I thought how pretty it was. It began to remind me of myself as a girl, and how my mother loved to hear me sing. I started thinking "Mom would love this". Then, a song I knew. "Stand By Your Man". She was only singing the chorus. I smiled, thinking not only would Mom love that, but so would Scarlett! Then it was quiet for a few seconds. As if she was regrouping. I heard her start to sing in the softest, prettiest voice, "If I...should stay....I would only be in...your way". Instantly tears filled my eyes. My baby girl sang "I Will Always Love You", the whole song, beginning to end, without missing a note or getting a word wrong. She sang it in the style of Dolly Parton, who of course wrote it, and who sings it very softly and with so much heartfelt sadness. I cried. I cried for many reasons. I cried because it was so damn pretty. I cried because I miss my mom, and I thought how much she would have loved hearing it--it was one of her favorite songs. I cried because the love of singing was in my daughter. I cried because I relate to the lyrics at this time in my life. I just cried.
When my daughter came out of the bathroom she saw I had been crying and asked what was wrong. I told her how her song had touched me, and how beautiful and meaningful it was; especially on this day. Tears began to stream down her sweet face. I told her how the gift of song was inside her because of her Mamaw. I told her my tears were tears of joy, not sadness, and that I was sure Mamaw had heard her sing today. She hugged me and I wiped her tears.
It was a beautiful moment I shared with my sweet daughter tonight. I think we'll both always remember it.
Friday, April 19, 2013
But this isn't the case with all pet rabbits. Nodrog has two rabbits, Peter and Bugs, and they don't live in a cage at all. They roam his house freely. He bought the rabbits at the 2005 State Fair. They were 4 1/2 months old, and won 1st place in their breed for coat. They are black Mini-Rex's. They've had free roam of his house since day one, and never go outside. Their main dietary staple is 3rd cut Timothy hay that he buys every three months from a farm in Washington state for about $40 for a 25 pound bale. They also eat various herbs he grows in his backyard, and a raisin or two as a treat. A bite of a carrot would be considered a treat too because of the sugar content. Carrot tops are fine, though. Mini-rex's are one of about 50 domesticated breeds of rabbit that descended from the wild European rabbit. Most of the time Peter and Bugs hang out in the bedroom, but they hop around anywhere they want. Nodrog has protected all his electrical cords with a metal mesh material called hardware cloth, and the motion sensors on his burglar alarm are tweaked so they don't set it off. Nodrog says he loves his two little fellas, and "they are great companions; aloof, like me, but wise and fascinating". And in case you are wondering...Peter and Bugs use a litter box.
Nodrog also has two backyard turtles that came from a friend's grandmother's farm, in Brandenburg. Her kids found one and then the other, and gave them to him. One of the turtles was pregnant, and two babies hatched in his backyard. This was the same summer he got Peter and Bugs. The little girl named one of the adults Michael, and the other one, Tommy. Nodrog raised the babies, Godzilla and Dave, in his house. They are fairly big now, but not the size of their parents. His privacy fence, along with bricks, keeps the adults safely in the yard, and they occasionally take a wade in his pond, though they are not aquatic turtles, they are tortoises (one is an Eastern Box, and he thinks one is an Ornate). In the winter, the outdoor turtles bury themselves underground. In fact, they just recently emerged from their hibernation. The outdoor turtles fend for themselves when it comes to food. They are omnivores, and eat basically anything, but he does give them veggies occassionally. He believes them to be young, maybe 10-15 years old. They can live to be more than 100. He feeds the indoor turtles veggies and chicken. Nodrog says "they are great fun, and very fast on their feet, and fascinating in a prehistoric dinosaur sort of a way to watch".
I just love hearing stories about these guys, and their adventures. Thank you Nodrog, for sharing the story of your wonderful pets!
Wednesday, April 17, 2013
Nodrog has pets. But not dogs or cats. I asked him for permission to write about the pets because they fascinate me. So stay tuned for a fun story about these beautiful and wonderful creatures, who are as interesting as their keeper.
Sunday, April 14, 2013
I feel like this is going to be a good week for me. I feel confident and very strong. In some way I feel powerful. Not over others, but powerful, in that I might be in control of myself.
I hope this feeling will continue.
Friday, April 12, 2013
He's big on the idea that God has this perfect master plan for us all, and if we just relax and let it fall into place, it will. He says no person on this planet can stop God's plan from happening.
I believe that. I just don't know what the plan for me might be, and sometimes that makes me crazy.
I'm trying very hard to just sit back and allow it to unfold. Just stop trying to dictate it all and relax.
As I wrote in the early days of this blog; it is by letting go of the need to control that we might finally gain control.
Thursday, April 11, 2013
Are they trying to prove their faith? Or maybe they want to put some type of curse on us all; I don't know. But I'm a busy person. When I have a minute to sit down at night and check Facebook, I want some mindless entertainment. Cute kitties--pictures of kids. I don't want to have to make stressful decisions that will impact me in to the afterlife!
I didn't sign on with the intention that I may be forced to contemplate eternal condemnation by not clicking the "Like" button! It's just too stressful for a Thursday evening.
Wednesday, April 10, 2013
A friend from work uses the phrases from the cards to rate her feelings about things. "I was TOTALLY DISSATISFIED" with my husband over the weekend!" or "I am SATISFIED with this pizza". But our favorite phrase is the one I am about to use to describe my mood of the past days and weeks. "I am NEITHER SATISFIED NOR DISSATISFIED with my life right now".
I can't really complain. There's been peace in the valley here at my house lately. That's pretty huge for me. I like calm and quiet, even though things aren't completely ideal either. But all in all; at least for now, I can live with being "NEITHER SATISFIED NOR DISSATISFIED".
Saturday, March 30, 2013
I recently asked Kim's thoughts on the subject. She told me she is embracing 50. She spent her birthday at her very favorite place, the beach.
Kim told me Cher's song "If I Could Turn Back Time" keeps popping in her head. But, she says, you know, we can't turn back time. Can't change it - so embrace it!
So far, turning 40 was much worse for her than 50. She says she has a few more aches than she used to, and had to see a chiropractor for the first time in Jan. She hurt her back, in yoga!!
Kim told me, "I could, but won't get philosophical about 50. I don't feel my age most days. And I think for as much as I've been in the sun, my skin has held up pretty good. Thanks to moisturizer from about the time I was 14!"
Happy Birthday Kim!
Sunday, March 17, 2013
I’ve always been fascinated by dreams. I’ve written about that in this journal before. But I’m particularly fascinated with recurring dreams.
There are some dreams I’ve had since I was a child. I’ve had these dreams dozens, maybe even hundreds of times. They may have changed a teeny bit as I’ve gotten older, but the premise of the dream is still the same.
In a dream I have pretty frequently, I am trying to defend myself against someone who wants to cause me harm and I have a gun that won’t shoot. The bullets jam, or they fizzle, and come out with no force. Or I have a weapon, but I left it in the car, or I lost it.
Another recurring dream is that I see a giant tidal wave coming towards me and there’s no place to hide. I run as fast as I can, away from the water, and sometimes I try to get to higher ground; maybe inside a high rise hotel.
I also dream that I see a tornado in the distance. It’s erratic in it’s path and I’m trying to decide which way to run.
Sometimes I dream I see an airplane, and it’s going to crash. Usually the engines are dying and it plummets to the ground. Only once do I remember being a passenger on the plane. Usually I’m watching it from a distance.
Another recurring dream is that I’m driving on a road that has railroad track after railroad track after railroad track. Trains are coming and there’s no lights or crossing gates. I have to floor the accelerator to avoid being smashed.
I'd say all these dreams represent a feeling of being powerless. Of going up against something that is way too big to fight. I guess they all demonstrate codependent tendencies--the need to be in control, but the feeling that your obstacles are way greater that you.
The good thing is, I don’t typically die, or even get hurt in these recurring dreams. They just frighten me.