Monday, September 30, 2013

Thanks Krista!

I don't really know Krista that well. She and her brothers are friends with my husband. We are friends on Facebook, and we go to the same hairdresser. So a couple of days ago, Krista posted something to my Facebook wall, saying how she had been to the hairdresser and the two of them had discussed my very short haircut, and how much they liked it. 

Now this is all well and good, but uninteresting on its own. But that's really the END of the story, not the beginning. The beginning had occurred two days before that when I got out of my car at my dad's house. I said hello to him and his first words were "When did you get your hair cut?"  I told him I'd gotten it cut a couple days before, and asked if he was just noticing it. He said "No, I noticed it. I just didn't say anything about it". It hurt my feelings terribly, and as often happens when I feel my dad disapproves of something I've done, I suddenly felt 6 years old. I questioned myself. I questioned the haircut. I questioned my weight, my age, my beauty, and pretty much my entire life's accomplishments...and failures. 

But the universe has a way of fixing things, doesn't it?  A girl I hardly know made it all right again with one random Facebook post. She probably barely remembers saying it...but I remember. 

People always say you should speak kind words to others. You don't know what cross they are bearing that particular day. That particular moment. Your kind word, no matter how insignificant it may seem, could lift them up. It could change their thinking. It could make their day. 

Thursday, September 26, 2013

Wednesday, September 25, 2013

"And I Had That House Of Your Father's Bulldozed To The Ground"

There's a scene in one of my favorite movies, "Forrest Gump", where Forrest and Jenny are adults, and they are going for a walk. They walk by Jenny's childhood home. A place where she was abused by her alcoholic father. When Jenny sees the house she becomes very emotional. Very angry. She picks up a rock and throws it at the house and then she picks up more rocks and throws them, and at some point, ends up  throwing her shoes too. Then she collapses onto the ground, crying. In typical Forrest Gump style the narration tells us,  "Sometimes I guess there just aren't enough rocks". 

That's how I have felt lately. Like there just aren't enough rocks. 

Lots of emotion inside me. Like the feelings in there want to scream their way out. I believe this will pass soon. But for now, I'm still eating and drinking too much, and I still want to punch something.

Monday, September 23, 2013

I Just Felt Like Punching

I remember one time I had this overwhelming urge to run. I wrote about it in this blog. I felt like Forest Gump. I just wanted to run. 

Tonight, I want to punch something. I have this insatiable, uncontrollable urge to punch something! Not a person, and not with my bare hand, really. I think I want to put on some boxing gloves and just start punching the shit out of something. 

Sunday, September 22, 2013

My Mom

An interesting thing happened the other day. A friend of mine had written a post on Facebook, giving an update about her mother, who was in the hospital. My friend had stayed with her as long as she could, but after a couple of days, she needed to go home for a night, and rest. 

When my friend went back the next day, she asked her mom how she had managed the night on her own. The mother said she hadn't been alone. She has been visiting with the girl's father. 

Tina's father died at least 10 years ago. 

I decided to write a note back to my friend. I was telling her that my father had told me sometimes when he drifts off for a nap, he wakes up talking to my mom. He's actually talking out loud, only to realize after he is coherent, that no one is there. It makes him feel silly. 

I've told my father before, I believe mom is there. Just as I believe my friend's father was there, keeping her mother company. But that's not the odd part of the story. 

When I was typing my response to my friend, I was using my phone. When I got to the part of my response where I said my dad felt silly, AutoCorrect kicked in. It changed the word "silly" to my mothers first name. So what I actually typed out was "it makes him feel Dolly". 
 It was strange, and a bit overwhelming to see my mom's name pop up in that sentence. Obviously the letters are very close on the keyboard, and I can see how it happened. But it made me stop and stare at the word for a moment. Who knows? Maybe mom was with me that day too.

Saturday, September 21, 2013

Grand Plan

God has a plan for me. I have to trust that. And it's better than any plan I could devise on my own. 

I have to be patient. I have to trust. 

Wednesday, September 18, 2013

Tuesday, September 17, 2013

Go On....You Deserve It

So many friends I know are struggling right now. Some with health, some with romance, many with their jobs!  We are  frustrated with many things in our lives. 

It's odd to me how we each handle our stress in different ways.   I have two friends who who control their stress by working out vigorously. And by vigorously, I mean kinda over the top. Hours every day. One of them is a self proclaimed exercise addict. 

The concept of deriving pleasure from 6:00 a.m. double sessions at fit booty camp is foreign. I seem to prefer over indulgence with food and alcohol. Very destructive. Kitty says it's escapism. For me, I think maybe it's something I feel I  can control. No one else can control what I eat or drink but me. Well I'm in a bad phase of it right now. Somehow I get relaxation from indulgence. And right now I've convinced myself I need and deserve it. 

I hope this passes soon. 

Sunday, September 8, 2013

Sunday Reflections

This Sunday morning I have lots of different feelings swirling through my head. 

I feel excited and hopeful for Scarlett, who is taking one more step toward her dream today.

But as my busy mind sits here drinking coffee, I also tap into excitement, sadness, a sense of being overwhelmed, thankfulness, and a little fear, among other things. 

This is a good indication that I need to get up and get busy.

Thursday, September 5, 2013

The American Dream

Any time the Powerball jackpot gets really high, it's common to hear people sit around discussing what they would do if they hit the jackpot. 

Recently my friend was at the nail salon getting a manicure, when she struck up a conversation with the woman sitting next to her. They laughed and discussed what they would do if they won the lottery.

At some point, my friend starts talking to the owner of the shop, a soft spoken, young Vietnamese man, who is working on her nails. She asks if he plans to buy a lottery ticket. He says no. My friend asks why not? He says "I don't need that money. My life is good".  

This made me think how as Americans, we always want more. We desire wealth, and riches beyond our wildest dreams. But for many people, living the American dream is all they desire. Being free from an impoverished country, raising a family, and owning their own business is all they ever wanted. The same thing our ancestors dreamt of when they immigrated here seeking religious freedom, and a better life many years ago. 

Somehow along the way, it seems many of us have lost sight of that wonderful vision, and what it truly means to be happy.

Sunday, September 1, 2013

Fear Is A Choice

I found this to be a very interesting fact.  Danger is very real, fear is not. 

How many times have I let fear stop me from doing something? 

When I was a girl, I never wanted to do any sports or activities. I wasn't athletic, but fear stopped me from participating in many things, not just sports. In my mind I always felt like everyone else already knew how to do things. I was so afraid I would walk in and everyone would know I didn't know how to do whatever it was. I would look stupid. I would look like i wasn't in  control. I remember my friend Kim would invite me to go to the wave pool with her. I was so afraid I would drown. Afraid a wave would knock me down and I would look stupid. I always said no. Fear kept me from participating in so many things. 

Fear has kept me from doing things as an adult. Making choices, having fun. But fear has also ruined many days for me. Some days I will sit at my desk and feel anxious and not even know why. Just fearful thoughts racing through my head. I have allowed fear to control me most of my life. 

So with this thought, I will try to learn the difference between fear and danger. I will  continue to respect danger, I will try harder to ignore fear.