Saturday, April 30, 2011

Prom Night

I guess it's funny how we grow up and have such different ideas. A girl I went to school with grew up in the same area of town as I did. We were both middle classed,and had similar upbringings. Tonight she posted a comment on Facebook that made me realize that somewhere along the way, we took very different paths. The comment read:

"I want a prom do-over. No Camaro driving, baby blue tux wearing boys need bother to apply. Oh, and unlike the prom goers I saw earlier this evening, I remain permanently UN-tattooed".

In 1981 it was my dream to go to the prom in a Camaro. I went instead, in a Pacer (if you're under the age of 40, look it up). I'm 47 years old now, and if I didn't have to cart kids around, I'd run straight to the dealership and buy myself a brand new Camaro today. And the baby-blue tuxedo? My date wore black, but in 1981, baby blue wasn't so weird. As for the tattoos....I just got my third, and I'm not ruling out more in the future.

So what is Donna was looking for? I ran into her about a year ago and she was very lonely and very unhappy. For me, if I had it all to do over again, I'd keep my tattoos, and even though a Camaro would have been better, I'd take Chris W. in the Pacer anytime.

Sunday, April 24, 2011

Easter Blessings

I hope everyone who attended Easter services at church today was made to feel welcome. But I have to wonder how many people went to church today and made snide comments about the people who only show up on Easter and Christmas. Having attended church regularly, and not so regularly in my life, I know there were plenty; because I've been on both sides of that fence at one time or another.

God is right here in my heart, all the time, every day. I will celebrate the resurrection of Jesus at home today with my family. And I will feel good.

Saturday, April 23, 2011

To A Friend

Just like a basketball, when an addict is on a downhill spiral, they will usually not bounce back up until they have hit the bottom. But standing around waiting for that to happen can be a long and excruciating process. And hitting the bottom usually involves something very traumatic, costly, and dangerous. Sometimes you need to bring the bottom to the addict by setting boundaries and enforcing them. The addict will only do to you as much as they are allowed to do, but they will push you and push you and push you as long as they can get away with it. Draw your line in the sand, letting them know what you will, and will not tolerate from them, and then (here's the tricky part) be prepared to stick to it.

For an addict, it's all about "me". I cannot stress this enough. They don't want you to stand up to them, and they don't really think you will. Not for long anyway, because they are masters at knowing how to change their behavior long enough to get back in our good graces. They know just what to say to get us off their back. They know the words and the threats that work on us every time. They have them stored in a bank, ready to withdraw them and use them against us when we become irritating and annoying. Whining and empty threats annoy the hell out of an addict, and they don't do any good. You don't want words, you want actions. Find your strength and your power; it's in there. Use it.

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

You'll Be In My Heart

I was about 22 years old the first time I thought my mother was going to die. She had a brain aneurysm and the doctors didn't give us a lot of hope that she would pull through. But she did. From that point on it was one major thing after another, so as the years went on, I slowly became "prepared" to lose her. After all, one can only cheat death so many times before death wins.

It was three years ago today that she died, and I know now I was not prepared to lose her. It's not that I had things I wanted to say to her but never go to. It's not that she and I spent a lot of "quality" time together. But losing your mother leaves a hole in your heart that I am beginning to realize, will never be filled. I think it has something to do with the fact of knowing your Mom is the one person in the world who always had your back, no matter what. The one person who's known you your entire life. The one person who groomed you into the person you are today.

Even though our parents raise us so that we may one day fly free and strong on our own, I guess that attachment is always there.

So I miss you, Mama, and I love you. I know you are here with me every day--I feel you. But I wish I could see you again--to tell you how I've been doing. I wish you could see how big the kids have gotten. You'd be so proud of them. And I know Dad misses you so much. I know he is lonely. But we're trying our best to take care of him for you, just like I promised. Just please keep giving me strength. Please keep letting me know you are there--and I will keep you in my heart forever.

Monday, April 18, 2011

The Best Part of Spring

It's that time of year again! Farmer's Markets are starting up, and we all need to get out and support our local farm families. Get to know your food! Go visit a farm and learn how your food is grown. Know where your meat comes from. Whenever possible, create your own dishes instead of buying them ready made in a box full of preservatives, chemicals, and artifical ingredients.

Eat real food.

Sunday, April 17, 2011

Frozen Here, On The Ladder Of My Life

I had the privilege of seeing Sir Elton John perform in concert this weekend. I say "privilege" because that's how I felt watching and listening to his music. Privileged to be in the company of such a legendary performer. His show was phenomenal.

But out of all the songs Sir Elton performed that night, one sticks out in my head more than the others. From the first note of the song until the end, a steady stream of tears poured down my face. It touched me in a way I will never forget. The song is "Don't Let The Sun Go Down On Me". The last time I saw Elton perform, about ten years go, I was also moved to tears by this song, simply because it's so beautiful, and seeing him perform it live is an experience. But somehow it was different this time. Somehow the lyrics touched my heart in a special way. They seemed to have been written just for me, and just for the place in my life I'm in right now. I honestly felt like he was singing it just for me and there was no one else in the arena.

Anyway, thank you Sir Elton John (and Bernie Taupin), for a night I will never forget, and for touching so many millions of people with your beautiful music.

I can't light no more of your darkness
All my pictures seem to fade to black and white
I'm growing tired and time stands still before me
Frozen here on the ladder of my life

Too late to save myself from falling
I took a chance and changed your way of life
But you misread my meaning when I met you
Closed the door and left me blinded by the light

Don't let the sun go down on me
Although I search myself, it's always someone else I see
I'd just allow a fragment of your life to wander free
But losing everything is like the sun going down on me

I can't find, oh the right romantic line
But see me once and see the way I feel
Don't discard me just because you think I mean you harm
But these cuts I have they need love to help them heal

Thursday, April 14, 2011

I Got A Peaceful, Easy Feeling

So, one week ago today I met the psychiatrist. We'll call her Dr.Feelgood. I loved her. After an in-depth profile and interview, my diagnosis: Severe Depression accompanied by Generalized Anxiety Disorder. No big surprise really.

Anyway, I am happy to report that one week later I am on some anti anxiety meds, designed to slow down the swirling thoughts in my head which I have attempted to describe so many times in this journal. And they are working. I'm able to concentrate better, stay more focused, and feel much more normal. I don't feel stoned, or sleepy or out of it, just...well....normal.

Since I am a public person and talk openly about a lot of things, I've opened myself up to a myriad of opinions about taking any type of mood altering drugs. They are a "crutch", they are "masking the real problem", and a host of other things. To that I say, so is alcohol, so is excessive eating, and shopping. All these things can be used to whisk us away from stress and problems, and all can have dangerous side effects if abused.

All I know is that I feel better and more stable right now than I have in a very, very long time. In addition to the meds, I will begin seeing a new counselor soon. With a calm head and some stability, I may actually be able to focus on what I need to do to fix the things in my life that feel broken. There's no way I could have ever done that with my finger in the electric socket and a hurricane in my head.

Thursday, April 7, 2011

Quotes I LOVE

"Women are not like wine.
They do not age better if left unnoticed and undisturbed."

-Renee Long

Sunday, April 3, 2011

Time To Bit The Bullet

For some time now, I have been riding the roller coaster which is depression and anxiety. I've been to my share of counseling over the years and have read a box full of self help books. On Thursday I am biting the bullet and seeing a psychiatrist.

My feelings about this are all over the map. I know she will tell me I need to take some type of drug. I know drugs don't fix problems. I know drugs like anti-depressants have side effects, and no one really knows the long term affects of taking them. But we do know the long term affects of stress, anxiety, and depression. They include premature aging, heart attack and stroke, and in some cases; death. So if taking them for awhile can get me out of this funk I'm in, I'm willing to try.

In the meantime, I'm off work for a few days, and it's sunny. These two things alone have drastically lifted my spirits, and I'm hopeful for a few days of relaxation and fun with my kids.