December 4, 2010:
I wrote an entry called "Never Leave Your Partner Behind"
I was still writing and grieving about Mom. I wrote about past loves, which was extremely emotional and somewhat bittersweet. I was spending a lot of my time wondering how things went so wrong. Things were no better with my marriage, and I desperately needed a reason. It had to be something I was doing.
I was becoming more and more frustrated with myself. I knew what I thought was supposed to be happening, but it wasn't. My house and my head were becoming cluttered. I was beating myself up; disgusted with my weight, my eating habits, and feeling like a failure. I had no energy to straighten things; not in my head, not in my closet. My anxiety was ever present, but my depression was beginning to growing like a monster.
I watched the film "Fireproof", and it had quite an impact on me. A young couple who had drifted so far apart from each other, it seemed there was no hope for their marriage. The characters in the film use a real life program called "The Love Dare". A 40 day program, designed to strengthen marriages and bring ailing couples together. It addresses selfishness and addiction. It also promotes the idea that in order for relationships to work, each member of the couple should find their own peace with God. This was just what I needed! I would work "The Love Dare" program, and in 40 days things would surely be a lot better. It sure was in the movie!
My heart was in the right place, but I quickly realized that once again, I was doing this alone. My husband was not the least bit interested in watching the film, or working the "The Love Dare" program. I was beginning to feel frantic that I wanted and needed my husband to work with me here! I wanted desperately for us to be close again! I wanted us to bond in the way we used to bond. I wanted us to go to restaurants together like other couples. I wanted us to go anywhere together like other couples. It's like I woke up one day and suddenly realized that somehow over the past few years, we had become separated. We were hardly ever together, aside from living together in the same house. We weren't even eating dinner together at home anymore. In fact, I was beginning to feel like my husband was making a conscious effort to avoid me. I was deseprate to figure out the reason.
I was not ready to give up. I was still willing to work very hard, even if I was the only one working. I just needed to get my husband on board. I believed we had both just become complacent. We both needed to focus. I began suggesting we renew our wedding vows. We would buy new rings, invite our friends, have a wedding and get remarried. We could put everything behind us. All the bad things that had happened in the past, all the unresolved issues I mentioned in Part Two, could just be erased. Poof! We wouldn't have to address them, or figure out a way to fix them, because they would just be gone and we could start fresh. I suggested this idea many times. I never got any response from my husband whatsoever. He didn't say "no", he just said nothing.
This was about the time I started to realize I was the only one fighting to save this marriage. But I would not give up.
8 hours ago