So I finally got the medical kick in the pants, why do I feel so scared? Why do I feel paralyzed with thoughts that I cannot do this? My head is telling me "You cannot do this." My body is telling me "You cannot do this".
Then after my appointment, I was driving in my car and my phone rang. It was my dad. He immediately began the conversation with "This is going to piss you off, but I don't care". He began talking about the bluebird tattoo that I have on the back of my neck. The one I got a few years ago in honor of my mother. Everyone knows the story of the bluebird. If you don't, go back and find it in my archives. The bluebird and that tattoo mean a lot to me. I think the tattoo is beautiful, and a defining symbol of my personality. My dad acted like he had never seen the tattoo before. He thought it was new. I showed it to him when I got it a few years ago. He says he doesn't remember that. He told me that I was not a good role model for my children, and a bad influence, because he has been preaching to them to never get tattoos.
If you know me at all, you know how quickly my dad's words can make me feel five years old. For a few minutes after the conversation, my feelings were hurt terribly, and all I could think of was that I hope he doesn't suddenly remember the other two, less visible tattoos I have! And thank goodness his eyes are too bad to notice the nose stud I have too. For a little while I felt like someone just needed to put a big red letter "A" on my forehead, and write me off as the bad daughter. But then the strangest thing happened. When I parked my car, and sat still for a moment, a peace came over me. The same peace I used to have when my mom was alive and my dad would hurt my feelings. My mom would always defend me and tell him to back off. She always made me feel like everything was okay. Yesterday sitting in my car I had that same peace wash over me. I feel like my mother came to me, wrapped her arms around me, and told me not to pay any attention to him. I believe my mom came to my rescue.
So today I am on a day of vacation. I am trying to rest this morning. I took a little nap and a nice hot bath. I am trying to get my head clear today. I need to tackle the thought of weight loss, and finally getting myself healthy.
Life is complicated.