Thursday, April 24, 2014

Setting A Bad Example

So I saw my doctor yesterday about the strange activities in my head. The physical ones, not the mental ones this time. She agrees they could be migraine, but also says there is a possibility they are tied into my blood pressure being high. I have always had extremely low blood pressure, usually 110/70. Yesterday it was 135/87. The only time in my life it has been this high was when I put on a bunch of weight a few years ago. Ironically, it's at about the same level as it was then, and I am at about the same weight as i was then. So I am to lose weight and monitor my blood pressure for the next few weeks. 

So I finally got the medical kick in the pants, why do I feel so scared? Why do I feel paralyzed with thoughts that I cannot do this? My head is telling me "You cannot do this." My body is telling me "You cannot do this". 

Then after my appointment, I was driving in my car and my phone rang. It was my dad. He immediately began the conversation with "This is going to piss you off, but I don't care". He began talking about the bluebird tattoo that I have on the back of my neck. The one I got a few years ago in honor of my mother. Everyone knows the story of the bluebird. If you don't, go back and find it in my archives. The bluebird and that tattoo mean a lot to me. I think the tattoo is beautiful, and a defining symbol of my personality. My dad acted like he had never seen the tattoo before. He thought it was new. I showed it to him when I got it a few years ago. He says he doesn't remember that. He told me that I was not a good role model for my children, and a bad influence, because he has been preaching to them to never get tattoos. 

If you know me at all, you know how quickly my dad's words can make me feel five years old. For a few minutes after the conversation, my feelings were hurt terribly, and all I could think of was that I hope he doesn't suddenly remember the other two, less visible  tattoos I have! And thank goodness his eyes are too bad to notice the nose stud I have too. For a little while I felt like someone just needed to put a big red letter "A" on my forehead, and write me off as the bad daughter. But then the strangest thing happened. When I parked my car, and sat still for a moment, a peace came over me. The same peace I used to have when my mom was alive and my dad would hurt my feelings. My mom would always defend me and tell him to back off. She always made me feel like everything was okay. Yesterday sitting in my car I had that same peace wash over me. I feel like my mother came to me, wrapped her arms around me, and told me not to pay any attention to him. I believe my mom came to my rescue. 

So today I am on a day of vacation. I am trying to rest this morning. I took a little nap and a nice hot bath. I am trying to get my head clear today. I need to tackle the thought of weight loss, and finally getting myself healthy. 

Life is complicated.

Sunday, April 13, 2014

Sunday State of the Union

Good Sunday morning to everyone. 

I am in a state of high anxiety right now, and I don't like it. I am having multiple physical stress symptoms. Tightness in my chest and racing heartbeat for a couple of weeks now. Dizzy spells for a couple of weeks. Throbbing in my temple for two or three weeks. Now my temples have gone numb. I spent most of the day yesterday imagining I was in the early stages of a stroke, but knowing that probably was not true. Even though I have never experienced these exact symptoms, I know that they are symptomatic of the type of migraines I get. I don't get the typical blasting, blinding headache. Not often anyway.  

I can't even put my finger on exactly what it is that is causing my stress. Multiple things. For instance, I was told in a meeting by my new bosses that in the coming months there would be days I felt like killing myself. Not particularly a great way to make a first impression with your new management team. This, along with everything else that is going on in my life, and I am a walking anxiety machine. I am going to attempt some physical exercise to release some stress from my body; even though what I really want to do is lay down and be still. I know I have to get a grip. 

I wish I saw a way to make significant changes in my life that would relieve some of my stress, but that mountain seems overwhelming, and impossible to climb. I don't like having setbacks like this. I like moving forward, but I guess that isn't always possible. I am not looking for advice or sympathy, or anyone to solve this problem. I am just documenting my feelings in my journal. And today, these are my feelings.

Sunday, April 6, 2014

Sunday Reflections

I have a busy day planned today, with a very full schedule, but it's pretty and sunny, and my head seems to be clear enough to handle it all. 

I'm getting ready to start some minor, but overdue remodeling at my house. I have some folks coming today to take away a very large dining room set. I plan to convert that room into a bedroom; which was its original purpose. I will move my son to that room and turn his room into a much needed guest bedroom. 

After that, I want to make some changes to my living room. We've been in our house nearly 11 years now, and it's time for something fresh. Hopefully my very large imagination will not get ahead of my very small budget. 

I worry today about a school friend of mine who is very ill, battling for his life in the hospital. He has overcome cancer, only to find his lungs destroyed from the harsh chemotherapy. He is one of my "Boys of Summer", and spent several evenings back in the day, hanging out on my front porch. He seems to be at every concert I attend, and his daughter goes to the same school as my daughter. A nice, nice guy, and I wish him well. 

Kitty and her husband will be here for a visit in two weeks. It seems unreal, but they just passed the 3 year anniversary of their move to South Florida. I am very much looking forward to seeing them. 

Even though it was chilly yesterday, and the wind had quite a bite to it, spring is definitely upon us. I believe we've seen the last of the snow, and I'm starting to see flowers and some color. I welcome spring. I don't necessarily welcome all that comes with it, but I am happy to bid farewell to this harsh, seemingly never ending winter. 

Blessings to everyone as we begin a new week. 

Wednesday, April 2, 2014

Regrets? I've Had A Few...Part Five

And now we wrap up our five-part series. 
Bronnie Ware writes:

#5.  I wish that I had let myself be happier. 

"This is a surprisingly common one. Many did not realize until the end that happiness is a choice. They had stayed stuck in old patterns and habits. The so-called 'comfort' of familiarity overflowed into their emotions, as well as their physical lives. Fear of change had them pretending to others, and to their selves, that they were content. When deep within, they longed to laugh properly and have silliness in their life again. 

When you are on your deathbed, what others think of you is a long way from your mind. How wonderful to be able to let go and smile again, long before you are dying. 

Life is a choice. It is YOUR life. Choose consciously, choose wisely, choose honestly. Choose happiness."

I have had a lot of happy times in my life. Also some very unhappy ones. Some, for long periods at a time. I agree, this was all by choice. I have chosen the life I have led; even the unhappy parts. I still believe the choices were born from a sense of obligation, mixed with a decades long notion that I could AND WOULD change the circumstances surrounding my unhappiness. All I had to do was "fix" the person I felt was responsible. 

I am only 50 years old, and hopefully very far from dying. I did not print this series as a reflection of the end of my life. I printed it because I hope I still have a lot of life to live.  And one day, when the time does come, I don't want regret. I want people to be able to say "Mary lived her life the way she wanted to!"