Sunday, May 25, 2014

Decoration Day

When I was a kid, we would often pack up the car and drive 4 hours to the country during long weekends. This was the place where my parents grew up. At that time, several members of their family including my two grandmas, still lived there. We would often go there for Memorial Day weekend. Only my parents called it Decoration Day. 

My parents would make a trip to the discount store, and then load the car with plastic wreaths and other flower arrangements.   Sometimes the fake flowers would share the backseat with me. I can still remember the way they smelled, laying there in their cardboard boxes. Not sweet like flowers are supposed to smell. More like dust and plastic.  Once we got to the country, we would hike up to an old cemetery, where my parents could place the plastic flowers on assorted graves of people I did not know. 

As a child, many things I did not understand we're frightening to me. This ritual was no exception.  This was very scary to me. I didn't like the muddy old country graveyard, I didn't  know the people in the graves, and I didn't know why we were putting the ugly plastic flowers there.

Today most people view Decoration Day or Memorial Day as a welcome holiday. The first work holiday since Christmas. A three day weekend to get together with family and friends, go to the lake, or have a back yard barbecue. Just be sure to take a moment this weekend to remember the fallen soldiers and the families they left behind. 

See, that's not so scary, Little Mary. 

Thursday, May 22, 2014

Monkey On My Back

I felt like an alcoholic sneaking a drink when I did it. A junkie who hides in the bathroom.....

I opened a new pack of birth control pills tonight and I took one. 

Sue me! It's been a rough week… I'm not ready.

Sunday, May 18, 2014

Because I'm Happy....

Often when I am stressed or overwhelmed about something, I will write about it in this journal. It is a good way for me to organize my thoughts and get back on track. But sometimes I take a look back and realize I sound like an unhappy person.  I'm not. I have so many things to be thankful for, and I am indeed thankful. I also have many things in my life that bring me happiness. I have the greatest two teenage kids a person could ask for. And the greatest friends. 

So fear not readers, I am not hopeless and desperate. I don't want to leave that legacy. I am happy and hopeful, blessed and thankful.

Happy Sunday. 

I apologize if the "Happy" song is now stuck in your head for the duration of the day...

Saturday, May 17, 2014

I'd Like To Throw A Party

I wish I could have a nice long, relaxed meeting with my family practitioner, my gynecologist, my cardiologist, my psychiatrist, and Kitty's neurosurgeon/headache specialist friend.  Maybe then I could get to the bottom of everything that's going on with me, and how it may all be connected. 

But, we don't live in that world. So I guess I will see them one at a time, in hurried 15 minute intervals, and try to connect the dots myself.  

Monday, May 12, 2014

Breakin' Up Is Hard To Do

It's no secret. I have had a long standing love affair with "the pill". I love the pill. I do!  We have been the best of friends for 32 years, since I was 18 years old. The only times I have been off the pill were the two times I planned to get pregnant. Both times I literally kissed the empty package goodbye. That is a true story.

I mean, what's not to love?  Let's just toss aside the fact that it is highly effective in preventing pregnancy, and look at the other benefits. You know exactly when to expect your period, which is helpful in a multitude of ways, from vacation planning to scheduling doctors appointments and bikini waxes. You know your period is going to be light and mostly uneventful. Less cramps, shorter duration. Long term use of the pill significantly reduces your risk of endometrial, uterine, and ovarian cancer.  It's a flippin' wonder drug!

So it's no wonder I was on the verge of hyperventilating when my gynecologist suggested I may want to stop taking it, "just to see what happens". 

In my 32 years of "womanhood" I have had three gynecologists. The first one retired. The second one died of lymphoma, and my current one--a delightful woman who is younger than me. You remember, the one who recommended I see a psychiatrist after I melted down in her office during my yearly exam three years ago. All three doctors agree that it's fine to stay on the pill throughout menopause as long as it agrees with you, you don't smoke, or have high blood pressure. Well it's agreed with me just fine....up til now. The abundance of estrogen is suddenly having an ill effect on me. I'll spare the details. Also, my blood pressure is sneaking into a very naughty place. Thank you, excess 50 lbs!

So long story short, I'm giving it a try. My doctor has warned me that in addition to needing a new form of contraception, I may begin to experience a myriad of delightful menopause related delights, such as (and I quote) "extreme vaginal dryness, painful intercourse, heavy, unpredictable periods, hot flashes, and mood swings". I can hardly wait!

Obviously I'm not shy about talking about my body, or women's health issues. But I tell you this information tonight, because it is a significant life change for me. An incredible milestone. I'm not sure how I will embrace it. But as Kitty says, I have a "take back". If it doesn't work out for me, the doctor says I can reunite with my beloved.  Hopefully by then I will have some weight off and my blood pressure under control. 

As Bernie Mac would say, "Pray for me, America". 

Friday, May 9, 2014


When I turned 50, I talked about it being the day of reckoning. Not just a number, but that point in life when all the abuse you've dished out to your body comes back to bite you. 

Since that article I am faced with not one, not two, but three separate health issues.   This is too much to deal with all at once, and has me completely overwhelmed. 

I'm too exhausted to go in to it all tonight, but hopefully will find the inspiration sometime this weekend. 

Sunday, May 4, 2014

Sunday Thoughts

Wow....I didn't even write about Derby this year. Things sure have changed. 

I'm tired, friends.