Lyrics I Like

I started a joke
Which started the whole world crying
But I didn't see
That the joke was on me

I started to cry
Which started the whole world laughing
Oh if I'd only seen
That the joke was on me

-Barry Gibb
-Robin Gibb
-Maurice Gibb

Keep Moving, Keep Breathing

I don’t like change. I’m more receptive to it than some people, but overall…I don’t like it. I’ve been with the same company for 28 years, I’ve known many of my friends since childhood. I get hysterical at the thought of someone I love moving out of town. I’ve only owned a handful of cars in my life, and only lived in a few different places. I like familiarity. I like things to be constant.

But in life, things can’t always stay the same. Sometimes they have to change. Sometimes people do move away. Sometimes cancer interrupts the annual birthday lunch you have become accustomed to. Sometimes families and relationships have to change too. They dissolve, or maybe just the dynamic of them changes. Either way, that’s a big one. When that happens, it’s hard to swallow. Even if it’s a necessary change, it’s not easy.

So for a person who is resistant to them, the life changes I am experiencing right now are bittersweet. I asked for them. I initiated them. For the past year now, I’ve been convinced I wanted them—and I did, but that doesn’t make them any easier.

I don’t have a lot to say right now. I’m just trying to focus on what’s best for me and my kids, and my husband. All four of us are important, and all four of us deserve to be happy. It’s a bumpy road, and it doesn’t feel familiar to me, but I’m forging ahead anyway.

You Shone Like The Sun

It's thundering outside tonight, and there's a lot of lightning and some rain, but not much. Mostly just thunder and lightning. It's not a scary storm, more of a sleepy one. The kind that makes you want to lay in bed, maybe listen to some PInk Floyd. Dark Side of the Moon. It's a "Shine On You Crazy Diamond" kind of storm, and kind of night. I just put some fresh clean sheets on my bed, and there's a nice breeze from the fan blowing across the room. I guess it's time for me to put on something soft and cool, go to bed, and talk about my day. What I'm dreaming about, what I'm afraid of, and what I want to do in the future. I sure hope my cat is ready to listen.

Blah

For some reason, this week I have felt very lonely. Even when I'm with other people I feel lonely.

I have a friend who very much enjoys solitude. In fact, he prefers it. That is very hard for me to grasp, but maybe I should try, because he seems far more content than I am. It's my codependence.

I don't know how to find happiness within myself. I'm still seeking it from others. When others aren't around, giving me constant validation, I'm not happy.

I've also been particularly hard on myself this week, feeling I've made several bad decisions. Well really a couple of bad decisions and one stupid mistake. I'm beating the hell out of myself for them all; second guessing my every move. Feeling like I'm not even capable of making good decisions.

Im sure I'll snap out of this, and I'd really love to be able to entertain my readers with some happy, witty entries, but this journal is about my struggles with codependence, and this Sunday morning, I'm losing.

It WAS A Great Day!!

Wednesday DID turn out to be a great day. I got the news that my dear Miss Pamela is now cancer free! I was so happy when I heard the news that I got big tears in my eyes. It's been a rough few months for Miss Pamela. Chemo and radiation took a toll on her body, but she's bouncing back and getting stronger every day.

I am so thrilled about this wonderful news, and wish Miss Pamela all the best in getting her life completely back, and staying CANCER FREE!!

Tomorrow

I'm expecting some really good news tomorrow.

Pondering

I had an interesting conversation with my husband last night. We talked about a lot of strange things. A few of them were things I never thought we'd talk about. But we did. Anyway, the conversation eventually lead to a topic that I've brought up a hundred times in the past. I mentioned how I hate when people try to get things over on me because they think they are smarter than I am, and that I'm too dumb to notice. This is nothing new. I've mentioned the same thing many times in this journal. It's deep rooted in me, and born out of a resentment of being lied to, and cheated on for the better part of my adult life. I told my husband that I've often pretended not to notice things people have done, or just chosen to ignore them, even when they were right under my nose. After some deliberation, my husband said "I've certainly never thought you were stupid. It's just that your personality....." then he froze for a moment, as if to think of just the right words, "...your personality makes it really easy for people to feel comfortable deceiving you".

I'm sorry, but what the hell does that mean?

I've thought about this all day. I keep going back to counseling sessions from the early 1990's, when I was going through my divorce, and working with my first, and very favorite therapist, Scott. He once told me that he felt an overwhelming need to protect me. I may be a lot of things, but I have never pictured myself as vulnerable. I have certainly never felt naive. People often tell me I am a strong woman. Kitty tells me that all the time. So does Sally. So what piece of Mary are others seeing? What part of me is so weak that some feel the need to be fiercely protective of me, while others see me as someone they can easily (and comfortably) take advantage of?

I'm going to have to ponder this for awhile, because I'm really puzzled by it.

Choices

There's a ton of things on my mind this morning. Interestingly, they all seem to involve choices. Among other things, a triple homicide a few miles from here. A woman and two pre-teen boys shot to death. Also a man shot, but alive. At this time, they don't seem to know how the four people were related. On the same news website, a young man shot to death by his 3 year old son, who picked up a loaded hand gun his parents had in the house and accidentally fired it at his father. Something that poor child will have to live with the rest of his life.

I'm sitting here thinking how many people's lives have been affected by these two senseless acts. Family members, friends, class mates, coworkers. Choices. Hooking up with dangerous people. Leaving a loaded gun where a child can get their hands on it. Bad choices.

We make choices every day. Sometimes they seem very simple, but actually one bad decision, and your whole life can change. "Do I have enough room to merge on to this expressway?" "Did I set the microwave for 1 minute, not 10 minutes?" "Should I let my small child pet that seemingly friendly large dog?" Those are split second choices. Other choices take more time to have an affect. Choices about relationships, careers, education, substance abuse, our own health.

But bottom line, for every action, there is a reaction. Every choice we make matters. Even the small ones.

My Mom (And Dad)

Today my Dad called me by my mother's first name. He quickly corrected himself. I reminded him that was the second time he'd done that in the past few weeks, and jokingly asked if I was starting to remind him of her. Dad told me that he thinks of her so often, and he was worried he was going crazy, because if he nods off in the evening watching television, he sometimes wakes up talking to her. Then he realizes no one is there. He said it makes him feel silly.

I told him he shouldn't feel silly, and that maybe Mom was there with him, having a conversation while he slept.

It made me feel sad.

Quotes I Like

HELL YES!!!

Something interesting happened last night. For the second time in a few weeks now, I spoke my mind to someone, and said some things that have been stewing inside me for a long, long time. My mother-in-law Cher, happened to be at my house when this occured (she is NOT the person to whom this conversation was directed). She suggested I just relax and not say anything I may regret. But I wanted to say these things. I NEEDED to say these things. When we discussed it later in the evening, she and my husband said something about me being angry. That's when I had my first ephiphany for the weekend.

I realized when I had said these things, I wasn't angry. When I had the big talk with my husband a few weeks ago, I wasn't angry. I realized I was angry about these things at some point or points in the past, I just kept it all inside me and let it eat away at my body, my mind, and my sanity like a fast spreading cancer. I'm speaking up now, about things I was angry about a long time ago. And it feels really good.

Two nights ago, before I said my peace, I was talking with another person who is involved in the story. She told me she wanted desperately to speak up to this person. In fact, the person gave her a golden opportunity to do so, saying something like "What do YOU think about this situation? Do you agree with everyone else?" The person said they wanted to scream "HELL YES!! at the top of their lungs, but instead replied with a shrug of her shoulders.

Every counselor I've ever been to, including Kate, feels we learn these types of behaviors as a child. Today, I got a reminder of just how I learned them. Thus, bringing on my second ephiphany of the weekend. I was talking to my Dad on the telephone, and decided I was going to tell him about speaking my mind last night. It was a situation that concerned him as well, and I thought he might want to hear what I had to say. I actually thought he'd be proud of me for saying it. Instead, he said "I don't want to hear this, don't tell me anymore!" and he hung up on me. Hmmmm.....I guess supressing my feelings and my anger and not saying what I feel are behaviors I've known my whole life. I learned them from him. It's how I was raised. Well, it's not how I plan to do things anymore. This doesn't mean I'm going to be mean, or hateful, or hurtful to people. It means I'm learning to speak the truth about how I feel. Instead of supressing, I'm learning to speak up about what's on my mind, and not let it eat away at me anymore. Instead of shrugging my shoulders, and then getting anxiety induced chest pains, from now on I'm going to scream, at the top of my lungs, "HELL YES!"

Freedom

Happy 4th of July to all.

My kids left on Monday, for a visit to see their Aunt Kitty in South Florida. It's very strange to be without them. Everything is different. I'm realizing that most decisions I make during a day, concern them.

Can I go out for a drink after work? Sure. No one to pick up.
Do I need to hurry? No. No one is home.
Do I need to pick up something for dinner? No! You ate snacks at the restaurant, and no one else at home will eat dinner.
Does July 4th need to be a laundry day? No. There's hardly any laundry. It can wait til the weekend.

It's an interesting example of how kids change your life. Even at 12 and 14, I have to consider them when making most any decision. I'm enjoying the freedom, but I know I will be ready to get back to my routine in a few days, and I'll be missing them like crazy.

I'll Be The Judge Of That

I remember when I was going through my first divorce. I had spent four grueling years playing detective, catching my husband cheat on me multiple times. I was caught up in so many lies, I literally didn't know what the truth was. I cried my heart out at night. I made up stories to cover for my husband in the event I was finally able to "fix" the problem, and make this whole sordid mess go away. I went to counseling, I begged, I pleaded, and I finally conceded that the marriage was over.

So one day at work, a former employee, Amy, had come in to the office for a visit, and was asking my coworker Marjorie, how everyone was doing. When Amy found out David and I were in the process of a divorce, she told Marjorie that disgusted her. She said "That's pathetic! They should have tried to work it out". For a long time, that upset me so badly, I could think of nothing else. I wanted to track Amy down, and explain to her what I'd been through. I wanted her to understand that I DID try to fix my marriage! I DID try to get David to stop cheating and lying, and pointing shot guns at me in the dark! I was desperate for Amy's understanding about my decision. I do not exaggerate when I tell you it took me months, even years to stop worrying about that.

That was then, this is now.

I still find myself seeking approval from people. I'll ask people if I said the right thing to someone else. If my text sounded okay. If a conversation or a decision was the right one. Of course this is my deep rooted insecurity. No longer believing in myself. Not trusting that I'm capable of making the right choices in my life.

But as uncertain as I am about a lot of things, I will never again allow people who have no idea what I've been through, to judge me and make me feel bad. I don't owe the "Amy's" of the world an explanation. I don't owe ANYONE an explanation.