Sunday, June 30, 2013

A Mountain In The Middle

My horoscope today:

Sunday Jun 30 2013

Something you aspire to is reasonably within reach. You are almost there, Capricorn. But if we were to use geography as a metaphor for your quest, we might say that there is a straight line between point A and Point B, but there is a mountain in the middle of them. The questions you need to ask yourself would be similar to: 1. How big is the mountain? 2. How are my mountain-climbing skills? And 3. Will the ultimate prize be worth the climb? Only you can answer this, so trust in yourself.

Thursday, June 27, 2013

You Can't Do That

Sometimes I start thinking. Next thing I know, I've spent hours focused on an idea. Hours!  I'll work out details that seem complicated. I'll hatch an ingenious plan. 

Then, I have a reality check moment and think "That could never happen", and my whole idea goes down the drain like the evening's dirty dishwater. 

Sunday, June 23, 2013

Breaking Down The Serenity Prayer

The things I cannot change:
Anyone's personality.
The behavior of anyone around me. 
The past. 

The things I can:
My behavior. 
My reaction to the behavior of others.
My physical health and well-being. 

So I guess I already know the difference.
I just need the serenity to accept and change. 

Saturday, June 22, 2013

Saturday Morning Thoughts

So many thoughts come to me on weekend mornings as I'm sitting around drinking my coffee--usually with a purring cat on my lap.   

My mind is like a computer's anti virus,  constantly scanning, scanning, scanning--reviewing the events of the week, analyzing them. Eliminating  (or attempting to eliminate) the parts that can cause me harm. 

It was a hectic week, particularly at work, but not a bad week. For the most part I think I'm content this morning.

If I had a magic wand, there are things I would change, but that's just me desiring to be in complete control. The fact is I don't have a magic wand, so I have to control the things that I can can, and let orher people control their part.  

God grant  me the serenity 
to accept the things I cannot change. Courage to change the things I can, 
and wisdom to know the difference.

Wednesday, June 19, 2013

Little Notebook

Something interesting happened today. I was cleaning out a box full of papers, and found a little notebook Kitty had given me sometime ago. There was only a little bit written inside the notebook, but I quickly realized it was a precursor to "Detach". I started writing this journal before I had made the decision to write a blog. Here's what I wrote:

For sometime now I've known I need to make a change. I don't know how. I feel like there's a giant jigsaw puzzle on the table before me, and all the pieces are there, but I have no idea how to begin to put them together. Then I realized I just wish my husband would fix everything and put it together for me!  I prayed to God as I drove to the bookstore that he would guide me to something that would help. I suspected it would be something in the codependent section. I found "Codependent No More".  When I got home I mentioned how I was feeling to my friend Marty Marr. I told him I'd been book shopping.  He said he'd hoped I bought "Codependent No More".  I felt excited that I may have picked the right book! 

Oh my Lord!! For the life of me I truly cannot believe no one has ever walked up to me, shoved this book in my face and screamed "Read this!!"  It's me! Maybe my prayers have been answered! 

I truly do believe my prayers were answered that day at the bookstore. "Codependent No More" was the gateway to me finding myself, and starting a journey of healing and recovery. Some days are still hard. Some days are just bad. But I do feel I've come a long way. I feel happier than I have been a very long time. Some days I still feel lost. But I'm growing every day, and I never want to go back. I just want to keep moving forward. It's hard. And sometimes it's very sad. But I know I'm making the right decisions and I feel good about the ones I've made. 

Life is complicated.

Monday, June 17, 2013

What's Your Return Policy?

I'm continuing to have dreams about parting with things, and then feeling extremely sad about it. Since my last post about the subject, I have dreamt again about selling my home. Last night, I dreamed I sold my car. In both cases I was very upset and remorseful afterward.

I believe these dreams continue to symbolize the fact that I am absolutely terrified of change.

Kitty and I have a long-standing joke about always needing a "takeback ". She doesn't like to buy anything she can't take back,  should she suddenly change her mind.  

When you're speaking of life changes, some come with takeback options--most do not.   For someone like me, this is terrifying. So what do you do? When is it time to take a chance? Perhaps more importantly,  when is it not?  When should you continue to hang on for dear life?

Friday, June 7, 2013

June 50

My June 50 is one I didn't see coming. It was actually an unexpected, and very pleasant surprise. 

Stan is a guy I went to high school with. he was very close with Scarlet. They've kept in contact throughout the years. This past winter, Scarlet asked me to go with her to pay a visit to Stan.  He now owns a coffee shop in a nearby small town. So we made a fun late morning road trip to visit him. We had a great time drinking coffee, and sampling assorted food items Stan had concocted. I enjoyed his company, and his shop very much. 

So the other day I noticed lots of well wishes for Stan's 50th birthday. I sent him a message and explained my "50" series, and asked if he would mind sharing some thoughts on this milestone birthday. I absolutely love what Stan wrote. It actually made me a little emotional. Like Stan himself, It seemed very heartfelt and genuine, and I'm so grateful he shared it.  Here are Stan's words:

"I know that every day is a blessing and am grateful for each and every one. I have been blessed with a marvelous life, full of fun and friends and few disapointments.  But a number like 50 makes an impression. I know realistically that life is winding down. I'm on the back side. However, at what point do you feel that today begins the unraveling of everything that has come before?  I have not felt that yet, even today!  Hopefully I won't ever feel that, but ask me again when I'm 60". 

Tuesday, June 4, 2013

Two Story House

Sometimes I have nightmares that I no longer live in this house. I sold it. My dream home. The place where I'm most comfortable.  Gone. I've had this dream several times, and I always wake up distraught. Why did I sell my home?? My plan was to live here for the rest of my life!  Then I feel relief that I'm awake, and  it was all a dream. It's very emotional. 

But this house is part of the reason for my discontent. It's a big financial obligation. All of my money is tied up here. An enormous amount of emotion, both positive and negative, is also tied up here. 

I often wonder if my life would be different if this house was out of the picture. Would it be better?  Would it be worse?  Would it be the same?

I know it's a building--made of wood and brick. It does not define me. It should not have the power to make me happy or sad.  But it does. 

And tonight...I'm very sad. 

"I've got my story
And I've got mine too
How sad it is
We now live
In a two story house"

Monday, June 3, 2013

Quotes I Like

"Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there."
-Will Rogers

Sunday, June 2, 2013

Wasted Days And Wasted Nights

How does one define a wasted day? 

I think every day has something to offer.  Something to learn--a way to grow. But yesterday I actually think I wasted my day.  After making two trips to the grocery store, I ended up on the couch, where I stayed until I went to bed around 10:00.  I dozed in and out, and I can't really even say I watch television. It was on, but I was only staring at it, not really watching. I reminded myself of one of my elderly cats, who goes in and out of consciousness with no purpose, or anything to do. I'm not sure that I solved any life mysteries or dilemmas while i lay there.  Im not sure i accomplished anything!

So today I need to make up for my wasted Saturday.  Today I will make some things happen.  Today I will visit with Scarlet.  I will visit with my mother in law, Cher. Today I will live my life. No more wasted days.

Saturday, June 1, 2013

Codependent, After All These Years

Sometimes I get so frustrated with life. 

I want to be the one in control. I want to call the shots. But dammit, life just doesn't work that way. 

You keep drinking. 
You won't help yourself. 
You need to make better grades. 
You need to push yourself...just a little!
You're making a big mistake. 

I am a codependent person. I want other people to do what I think is best for them. I think if they do what I say, I will be happy. But these arent my decisions to make. And my happiness can't hinge on the behavior of others. It just can't. 

I'm very tired now, and I just want to go to sleep.