February 50

I was born in 1963. So were all my classmates. Now, practically every week, one of us is turning 50.

It's no secret I'm dealing with lots of "feelings" concerning this milestone, but it's very interesting to me to see how turning half a century old is affecting all of us in a seemingly different way. So I decided to do what I always do when I want to study something....I'm writing about it.

In January it was Scarlett who hit the Big Five O. She seemed unscathed by it--almost as if she was welcoming it. I really don't think it phased her very much. I don't think Scarlett shares my fear of aging. She seems content. She's in a good place right now, and is working on some exciting and promising ventures. She had a very nice party, surrounded by family and friends. Scarlett is our January 50.

There were a couple of people who hit the milestone in February. One of them being my ex husband. I have no idea what his life has become, after a serious car crash 10-15 years ago. Last I heard, he'd had 19 surgeries following that accident. But he's not the feature February birthday. That honor belongs to Rebecca.

When 2013 began, only a few weeks ago, Rebecca did not know she had cancer. In the weeks since then, she was diagnosed, and a week ago, had surgery to remove the affected body parts, and a few neighboring ones. She's now awaiting the pathology report. The weekend before the surgery, she wore a purple feather boa and went out on a party bus with her friends to celebrate her 50th.

The doctors are optimistic, and lots of people are pulling for Rebecca. She has a great attitude and is as ready as possible for her fight.

We just don't know what surprises life has in store for us.

It's The Little Things

The amount of joy I get from putting a fresh clean set of sheets on my bed, never ceases to amaze me.

Get Back On The Horse

What's that saying? You have to get back on the horse that threw you?

Well I was thinking about that, and I recall a time when I was about 6 or 7 years old. I was at my dad's sister's house way down in the country. It was the first time I ever got on a horse. Actually it may have been a donkey or a mule, or jack ass, I'm not really sure. Anyway, I wasn't actually "riding" it, it was more like I was just sitting on its back. My dad may have held the reigns and walked it a few feet. Well, whatever the situation, the damn thing threw me. Most of me landed with a thud on the hard dirt, but the soft part of skin on the inside of my knee landed directly on a barbed wire fence. The wire impaled me and I had a scar there for years. To make matters worse, I think the beast laughed at me afterward.

Not only was this my first encounter with asses and barbed wire, but this also happened to be the same day I touched an electric fence. I knew then, I was not meant for the country.

I believe I've only been on a horse two more times in my life since then. Both times as a young adult. For the record, I did NOT get back on the horse that threw me. Maybe this was a bad thing. Maybe that's why I have so much anxiety when something goes wrong today. Maybe if I'd gotten back on the horse I'd be more brave? Or maybe the damn thing would have bucked me again...hard to say.

My Mom

Today would have been my mom’s 79th birthday.

I posted this photo of her on Facebook, and got some really wonderful responses. My mother loved music, and I thought it was so wonderful that my friend Scarlett noted that my mother was one of the first people to encourage her with her music. My mom loved singing on the porch while her brothers played guitar, banjo, and mandolins. Music made her happy and singing was in her blood. To know that she may have played some role in encouraging Scarlett to continue playing guitar would have made her so happy!

But perhaps my favorite comment was from my cousin Tammy. Tammy is a few years younger than me, and grew up way back in the hills of Kentucky. Her mother (my mom’s sister) was very conservative and plain, and wore dresses, no makeup, and pulled her hair back in a bun. Pretty much the complete and total opposite of my mother.

Tammy is a beautiful woman now and a new grandmother. So yesterday, when she saw this photo, and my post about my mom she commented “She was such a beautiful lady. When I was a little girl, I thought that she was a movie star that would come to visit a few times every year”.

I cannot stress enough how much my mother would have absolutely LOVED that comment.
I miss you mom!

Halftime Is Over!

A few weeks ago, a guy I went to high school with, posted a picture of a receipt on Facebook. He was highlighting the fact that he received a “senior discount” on the item he was buying. Earlier this week, another friend posted a picture of her newly acquired AARP card. Yesterday I was off work, and stopped by the grocery store to get five or six items. The parking lot was packed! Then I realized it was senior day. The store was filled with little old people. Some smiled and seemed friendly; some were rude and practically hit me with their buggies trying to get the last bags of Bridge Mix. Some got around pretty well. Some could barely walk. I saw a couple of people with adult diapers in their carts. They were packed in that store like sardines.

Then….it hit me. I’m very, very scared of getting old.

Before I go any farther; save your hate mail. I don’t dislike old people. But I also don’t group them into one big category. They are like young people...or any other type of people. Some are nice, some are not. So it’s not that I don’t like them. It’s that I’m just not ready to be old. I’m not ready to SMELL old. I’m not ready to buy my shoes and clothes solely based on comfort. I’m not ready for menopause. And even though nature is already starting to play this cruel joke on me, I’m not ready for my face to sag. Or my arms! Or legs! Or any part of me! Hell, I’m still having issues with people calling me “ma’am”!

I’m a believer in being the best you can be at any age. And at making the most of the age you are right now. I’m trying to do that. Losing a little more weight and getting more exercise would help, but all in all I’m doing it.

So in typical Mary fashion, I’m trying to figure out why I feel this way. The first answer that springs to mind is that I haven’t accomplished what I want in life. I’m not ready for the game to wind down, because I still want to play, and play hard! But I think I sat out for awhile...too long; and when I came back in, it was past halftime. We’re in the third quarter, baby.

There’s no way to go back. I can’t get my elasticity or my fertile eggs back. There are no “do overs”. So I have to find a way to be happy with where I am right now. I have to be the best “50” I can be. Then the best “60”, “70”, and so on, until I shed this body and move on.

It may not even be in the cards for me to live to be old. And if it is, I’ll keep trying to remember that sometimes its the last two quarters of the game that count the most, and they are sometimes the most exciting anyway.

Think Before You Speak

I'm not sure why I don't often think before I speak. I think it's because my mind is so busy racing all the time. But it often gets me in trouble.

Random Thoughts

I wish I felt inspired to write, but I just don't.

A few noteworthy things though. I realized a few moments ago that today is my ex-husband David's 50th birthday. I don't know why, but I looked at his Facebook page. His profile picture is an old one. Looks exactly like when he and I split. Probably was. For one brief, fleeting moment I considered sending him a message saying "Happy Birthday, and I hope your life is good". But then I got really mad at him, and the more I stared at his lying, cheating face, the more I knew that was a really bad idea.

Also noteworthy, I was unable to take my antidepressant for the past 3 days. I kept forgetting to pick it up from the drug store. This morning I started melting down. I got very sad and felt very alone. I started over thinking everything! My thoughts were irrational and distorted, and racing like the wind. I was able to take the meds this afternoon, but this proved to me how badly I need them.

That's it for now. Uninspired.