Monday, October 29, 2012

Thank You, Pink

White knuckles
And sweaty palms from
Hangin' on too tight
Clenched shut jaw
I've got another
Headache again tonight

Eyes on fire, eyes on fire
And they burn from all the tears
I've been cryin', I've been cryin'
I've been dyin' over you

Tie a knot in the rope
Tryin' to hold, tryin' to hold
But there's nothing to grab
So I let go

I think I've finally had enough
I think I maybe think too much
I think this might be it for us
Blow me one last kiss

You think I'm just too serious
I think you're full of shit
My head is spinning so
Blow me one last kiss

Just when it can't get worse
I've had a shit day (yeah!)
Have you had a shit day? (yeah!)
We've had a shit day (yeah!)

I think that life's too short for this
I want back my ignorance and bliss
I think I've had enough of this
Blow me one last kiss

I won't miss
All of the fighting
That we always did
Take it in
I mean what I say
When I say there is nothing left

No more sick whiskey dick
No more battles for me
You'll be callin' a trick
Cause you'll no longer sleep

I'll dress nice, I'll look good
I'll go dancing alone
I will laugh, I'll get drunk
I'll take somebody home

I think I've finally had enough
I think I maybe think too much
I think this might be it for us
Blow me one last kiss

You think I'm just too serious
I think you're full of shit
My head is spinning so
Blow me one last kiss

Just when it can't get worse
I've had a shit day (yeah!)
Have you had a shit day? (yeah!)
We've had a shit day (yeah!)

I think that life's too short for this
I want back my ignorance and bliss
I think I've had enough of this
Blow me one last kiss

Bah da da-da, da da da da
Bre-ump-ump um ah uh-uh
Blow me one last kiss
Bah da da-da, da da da da
Bre-ump-ump um ah uh-uh
Blow me one last kiss

I will do what I please
Anything that I want
I will breathe, I won't breathe
I won't worry at all

You will pay for your sins
You'll be sorry my dear
All the lies, all the why's
Will all be crystal clear

I think I've finally had enough
I think I maybe think too much
I think this might be it for us
Blow me one last kiss

You think I'm just too serious
I think you're full of shit
My head is spinning so
Blow me one last kiss

Just when it can't get worse
I've had a shit day (yeah!)
Have you had a shit day? (yeah!)
We've had a shit day (yeah!)

I think that life's too short for this
I want back my ignorance and bliss
I think I've had enough of this
Blow me one last kiss

Na na na na da da da da
Na na na na da da da da
Na na na na da da da da
Blow me one last kiss
Na na na na da da da da
Na na na na da da da da
Na na na na da da da da
Blow me one last kiss

Just when it can't get worse
I've had a shit day (yeah!)
Have you had a shit day? (yeah!)
We've had a shit day (yeah!)

I think that life's too short for this
I want back my ignorance and bliss
I think I've had enough of this
Blow me one last kiss

Time To Think

Every October I take a two week vacation. It's two weeks of clearing my head. Two weeks of taking care of unfinished business. It's an opportunity for me to think, cleanse, and regenerate.

I have just begun week two of this rest. Week one was a big success. I sorted out some thoughts and got several things done around the house. I hope this week will be as productive.

Sunday, October 21, 2012

Quotes I Like

"The one who cares the least
has all the power"

Monday, October 15, 2012

No Presents

Last night I dreamt I was with someone (not sure who it was), and we were on our way to a family Christmas celebration when it occurred to me I had forgotten to buy Christmas gifts. Not just a couple of gifts....ALL of them. I had nothing to give at all. Not even for my children! There was no time to go shopping, besides I has no money. It was classic fear of not being prepared.

I'm not prepared for what lies ahead, folks. Not prepared at all. That's unsettling.

Sunday, October 14, 2012

Needy, Insecure, and Codependent

It's been an uneasy few weeks for me. On Thursday I saw Kate (my counselor). After telling her everything that was going on with me, and how I'd been feeling, I really felt frustrated. I felt that way because as the words were coming out of my mouth I listened to them. And what I heard, I did not like. I heard how needy, insecure, and codependent they were. I've come to despise needy, insecure, and codependent, not just from myself, but from everyone around me. And knowing how much I hate it and how much it wears me out, hearing myself saying what I was saying made me feel angry.

Kate told me that it is impossible for me to feel worthy or important without constant validation from a man. Ouch. This is something I certainly do not have right now, and it seems I am not able to dig deep enough to just be happy with myself for who I am and what I have done. Am I really that pathetic that I have to have a man (or friend, or anyone else)telling me how wonderful I am in order to feel good? I HATE that about myself. I truly HATE it, and for various reasons, I feel like it may be hard for some of my readers to understand that. Extremely easy for others.

I don't know how I got this way. Probably some deep rooted "daddy issues" or maybe just 30 years of lies and betrayals have made me wonder if it's me that's caused every relationship I've ever had with a man to eventually crumble.

Tuesday, October 9, 2012

Quote Of The Day

A special thank you to the person who gave me this advice today. I love you! You know who you are.

I think I'm going to say this out loud every day:

"Take care of you and the kids. To hell with the rest".

Sunday, October 7, 2012

Sunday Reflections

This has been a strange weekend. I have felt extremely emotional and very reflective and very conflicted. Dazed and confused. I've done a lot of praying, and feel I did receive an answer about one thing that has been on my mind. I have made the right decision concerning my relationship with my husband. That was made crystal clear to me last night, when I got a big fat dose of ugly reality.

In fact I got a couple of reality checks this weekend. Painful, and hard to swallow, but necessary.

I just really wish I knew exactly what it is that I'm supposed to be doing.

Thursday, October 4, 2012

Head vs Heart

Why is it the head and the heart rarely agree? Often the head tells you one thing, and the heart says "you're crazy". Who is smarter in this case? Who is right? Who should you listen to?

Tuesday, October 2, 2012

Me and God Having Coffee

Sometimes I wish I could just sit down and have a conversation with God. Not me praying--but me and God, having a cup of coffee, and He is talking back to me, explaining all the things that seem so completely impossible for me to understand.

Yeah...that would be very cool.

Monday, October 1, 2012

You Knew That Couldn't Last

When I started writing the Timeline series, I was actually feeling pretty happy. I honestly felt like I may have arrived at the place I'd been striving for. I was happy and hopeful. It was time to do a recap. After I wrote the last entry, that all changed. The bottom fell out. So there's no happy ending to the Timeline--only more pieces of it.

It's been a fucked up few weeks. So much so, I've not really had the energy to write. I've been very depressed, and feel like all my hard work and progress has been useless. I won't feel that way forever, I know. But right now, I'm frozen. No desire to write, no desire to even move. I just feel like sleeping and staying in my two safe places--at my desk and in my house.

It was stupid of me to think things were falling into place for me. Somehow I always manage to sniff out and stumble upon chaos and discontent.

I'm not going to say I'm back to square one, but I have had a set back. So for now...the Timeline ends at Part Five.