Late April Syndrome (LAS)

At this same time last year I remember writing about several stressful things attacking me all at once. Well, here we are at that same time of year and those same things seem to be staring me in the face again. I've decided to call it LAS, Late April Syndrome.

Last year at this time, my son graduated from 5th grade. You remember....I cried so hard I couldn't see? I was hyperventilating all the way to Dr. Eve's office afterward. My Dad later told me it was the saddest day of his life. We had a hard time understanding why we were so upset that day. I wrote some more journal entries about it. Dr. Eve concluded we were not expecting how bad we would miss my mother's presence at that ceremony. She adored my son. Also, it was a major turning point for my son. He has changed so much since that day, I can't even begin to process it, let alone write about it. I knew it would happen; the transition to middle school is huge for boys. Well anyway, here it is one year later and my daughter is in the same place. She is about to graduate 5th grade and will be changing schools in the fall. This time we'll be saying goodbye to our beloved little elementary school. It will be strange not going there anymore. It's the same one I attended as a child, and my kids had some really great years there. As I did last year, I feel a lot of anxiety and some sadness about this transition. At least I can prepare myself for the ceremony this time. I won't let that part blindside me!

This Tuesday will mark the two year anniversary of the death of my mother. I know she wouldn't want me to be sad, and she wouldn't want her death to be a milestone. She would want us to remember the good times. Well, I've been trying to do that, but I can't help but think about that week. Parts of it are a blur, but certain other parts haunt me. The day we buried my mother was hands down, the worst day of my entire life thus far. One day, when the time is right, I'll write about it. Today is not that day.

Last night our city celebrated the official kick off to Derby. I don't even know what to say about that. I've beaten that horse to death and quite frankly I'm sick of even talking or thinking about it. The worst part is not knowing what to expect. The last few years haven't been that bad, but it's just fear of the unknown.
As Sharon Osbourne put it...fear of which version of my husband will walk through that door at night. The bad one hasn't shown his face in a long time, but no matter how many books I read or how much healthy thinking I embrace, the fear that he will return is always there. I can push her down, but my codependent side is never, ever very far beneath the surface.

Finally, it's audit time at work again. The end of April and the end of October mark audit time. My office usually gets a decent grade, but knowing someone is going to be going over all your work with a fine tooth comb (and I do mean a FINE TOOTH COMB) for two days is very stressful. I'll be glad when it's over.

So basically I'm experiencing my Late April Syndrome. This will be the last child I have to send to middle school, so I won't have school stress for a couple of years after this. Not until high school rolls around in a couple of years! But the other things just won't change. The anniversary of my mother's death is always going to coincide with Derby, and for now anyway, the audit.

My first instincts are to medicate myself, either with Xanax or my drug of choice the past few days, food. Neither are healthy for me. Stress eating will knock down my first domino faster than anything. Stress eating makes me feel guilty and like I have no will power. Then I get depressed and don't want to exercise or do my chores. No, I've got to find another way to deal with this.

I decided that all of these things are going to happen one way or the other. Worrying won't stop them; eating won't stop them. I've got to stay focused on exercise (the best stress reducer of all) and eating right. I've got to focus on the things I have control over. If I don't, those damn dominos I've been working so hard to set up are going to take a big, fat tumble. Healthy mind. Healthy body.