It's been a long week. A strange week. I'm not exactly sure how I feel today. Kind of like I'm in a dream, maybe.
Work was busy, as it always is this particular week of the year. On Wednesday, my son concluded his middle school journey, and had his 8th grade graduation. It was very nice, and I'm happy to say I only got misty eyed a couple of times. No inconsolable sobbing, like his 5th grade graduation. He's become such a wonderful young man. The principal of the school went on and on to me about how special he is, and how happy she was to really get to know him during the recent 8th grade trip to Chicago. I'm looking forward to his high school years.
On Friday, I sat with my friend Miss Pamela for a couple of hours while she received some fluids at the cancer center. It was a humbling experience to be in that treatment area, where so many people are so sick, and battling for their lives. Even though she's very sick right now, my heart tells me Miss Pamela is going to be fine one day soon. This battle has taken a toll on her, and totally disrupted her life, but she's a warrior, and I just feel like she's going to beat this, and be back to normal before you know it. My only regret is that it took this treatment for us to be able to be still and quiet, and spend a couple of hours together talking. I'm gonna need to work on that.
I've had periods of really distorted thinking this weekend, and periods of very clear, calm thinking.
The distorted periods are so ridiculous, I can't even write about them. But as Kate says, at least I realize they are distorted now, and can try (at least somewhat) to work around them.
During one of the very clear thinking periods, I had a long discussion with my husband concerning the state of our union. It was long overdue. Overdue, in fact, since my November 3, 2011 entry titled "How About Now". Right now, I can't write much about the details of this conversation, but I feel like I was finally able to say a lot of things that I'd been wanting and needing to say to him for a long time. Afterward, I felt like an elephant had finally risen from it's long time seat on my chest, and it was a great relief. I'm not sure if I said the right things, or the wrong things, but I must have said the right ones, because my husband told me he couldn't dispute anything I said, and that he was in agreement with me. He said these thoughts were all thoughts he, himself had thought, he just never could have or would have put them into words. Afterward, I felt like he was as relieved as I was. We'd finally quit ignoring the elephant in the room, who I now believe may have been seated on his chest, as well.
As often happens with me, my exuberance immediately following this conversation, quickly took a nasty turn. Anxiety over what happens next. Fear about making the wrong decisions. I don't think I trust myself enough to believe in my decisions, no matter how well thought out they are. And believe me, this one was VERY WELL thought out.
So right now, I am searching for peace of mind. I am searching for reassurance. I am searching for affirmation. I am searching for security. I am searching for acceptance. I am searching for peace. I will just be glad when a day comes that I can finally quit searching, but not seeing. When I can quit searching all together, and just start living!
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