My 20 year old self…you mean I am not still 20?
I hate to tell you 20 year old self (20yos) but you will always use fear as a self motivator.
I will tell you to not spend all of your time in the past or the future…but you are not going to listen.
The passions that you hold as a 20yos is something you will fight hard to hang on to. The things you want will come your way, and you will get paid; understand there is a price for expanding or contracting your creativity & freedom; you will learn about your naivety and strength.
Kitty, I know you have so many questions and are eager to begin your journey. You are finishing college and are madly in love with a man seven years your senior. You have so much to learn about how to have healthy relationships! He will help you discover many things, but I will be proud of you when you determine that he is not the partner you can spend your life with. But for the letter, 20yos, have more sex!
You want to get far from the life you have lived, and as fast as you can. You know you have nothing to lose, and you could easily settle back into the life you see around you. You continue to develop a vision and you begin on your journey. You board a fast bound train; doing as much as possible, every day…I remember your 20yos; 3 jobs while in college; you always find a way.
Your on a fast bound train and you do not allow any permanent interruptions to our vision. Your stomach hurts when you think about how the path chosen leaves other paths untraveled? Try to learn how to relax now; it will be hard to learn this later, it is a consequence of the fast bound train.
20yos, try to grasp the thought that there is not a magic pot of gold or final destination on the journey, but that the acquisition of peace and happiness is what you will ultimately desire. You do not have to prove you are worthy. Peace of mind is as or more valuable than all that you are fighting for. The game is long, pace yourself.
So Kitty got on a fast bound train. She didn’t really understand where she was going. Out the window she can see lovely terrain but the train moves very fast and it is hard to comprehend, it blurs together.
She found true love – something she always expected at 20. She would have never guessed that at 20 she had already met the man that she would end up marrying, 10 years later.
If I could have told 20yos that the train tracks on which she will travel have been laid by the Lord, would her spirit have spent less time worried and scared during the next 20 years of her life?
Kitty, please hear my plea, take time to “be” in your life. You are ok; don’t be so hard on yourself. You will continue to develop into a good person but you must always be aware of your emotions. Try to use your head much more than your heart for decisions. Life will be challenging even when it is good. Your pathway is a good one; continue to believe in yourself…it is a good thing you don’t know how hard it really is. Stay as far away from alcohol and drugs as you can; the destruction does not discriminate.
Work hard, do things that make you uncomfortable, expand your horizons, and don’t whine. Do not underestimate the power of choices and destiny and lack of control. Don’t get lazy.
A codependent person is one who has let another person's behavior affect him or her, and who is obsessed with controlling that person's behavior.
The following two "Detach" journal entries will give you a crash course:
"An Answer to a Prayer" dated Nov 1, 2008 "How Did We Wind Up Here?" dated Nov 2, 2008
About This Journal
In 2008 I had the life changing realization that there was a name for what I'd always felt was "wrong" with me. After 20 years of thumbing through various self-help books. I learned about codependence.
I began writing this journal to document my journey out. Over time, it's evolved into something more. While I still talk about codependence (I know now, it will never totally leave me), this blog has turned into the thumbprint of my life; a therapeutic journal for me to sort out a lifetime of thoughts and memories. I believe in being honest with myself and others, and when something is bothering me, I reach out. With a support team of strong, smart women surrounding us, we can all continue to grow. I'm trying to live my best life, in pursuit of a Healthy Mind, a Healthy Body.