It's 11:00 a.m. and so dark and rainy outside. I'm really fighting with feeling depressed. Also feeling scared, or having fear. I think I'm going to try turning on a bunch of lights and maybe burn some nice smelling candles. I don't want to fall into this funk.
I saw my counselor Kate on Friday, and she told me that my next visit would mark one year since I first saw her and my psychiatrist for counseling and meds. She said that during that next visit, they would reassess me. The diagnosis on my chart still reads "Severe Depression accompanied by Generalized Anxiety Disorder, Marital Problems, and Low Self Esteem". I am anxious to see what my updated diagnosis will be. There is no doubt the medications have helped me tremendously. While it still exists, and probably always will, my depression is much better than one year ago. Anxiety is still much more of a problem, but has improved. I think the area where I've made the greatest improvement will come with "Low Self Esteem". I remember how bad that was during my first sessions with both of them. I couldn't find much good to say about myself, if anything. During some exercises, Kate asked me to write my negative thoughts about myself on some cards, then think of logical reasons why those things were exaggerated, and write those on the backs of the cards. I honestly couldn't think of anything to write on the backs! That was very sobering to me. I'm not really sure what brought me out of that, but I'm feeling much better about myself. Although a man at work payed me a compliment one day this week and those insecurities jumped right out. He said he liked my dress, and I immediately started saying how I normally didn't wear dresses that showed my knees, because they looked "old". As it was coming out of my mouth I knew I shouldn't have said it, so I finally just stopped myself and said "Thank you".
Sometimes I think I'm a mess. Sometimes I feel pretty good. There's a long way to go, but I think I'm making progress in all areas.
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