Tuesday, April 10, 2012

My Journey Out?....Really???

Monday, October 27, 2008. That was the day I started writing this journal. I subtitled it "My journey out of codependence". That was three and a half years ago, and today I am wondering if I have made any steps on this journey. Any steps at all.

I've learned a lot. I understand it. I get it. I just don't think I'm working to move out of it. It's like my husband said after he went to rehab. "I still want to drink, and sometimes still do, but learning why I do it, and what it does to me and those I love, has taken all the fun out of it." Or like the smoker who says "I know this is bad for me, but I just can't quit". That's exactly how I feel right now.

I understand now that codependency isn't anyone else's fault. It's me. Circumstances and events from my life may have caused it, but it's up to me to make the necessary changes to stop it. In the past 5 days, I have failed miserably at that feat. Miserably. I desperately desire things from people who will never be able or willing to give them to me. And I'm pretty sure they don't even know I need them in the first place. My own brain and my incredible anxiety and distorted thinking are clearly my worst enemies.

As I look back over this journal, I clearly have two critical times in the year. One is the Christmas season, the other is April. I won't site the reasons again, we all know them. But I need to recognize I am smack dab in the middle of one of these critical times, and need to base my actions and interactions with people accordingly. Maybe think a little harder about the things I do and plan during this time, so I don't set myself up for disaster.

Kate has asked me to re-read "Codependent No More". She thinks I've lost touch with the information and skills I need. She's right. I'll dig it out and start reading again today.

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