Undependent

Today started out bad. My anxiety was through the roof. My thoughts were racing like the Indy 500 and no matter what I did, I couldn't calm down. I kept feeling like I was out of control. That's all I kept thinking, "Mary, you have lost all control. You have control over absolutely nothing in your life". For a codependent person, that is truly a paralyzing thought.

I drug out my copy of "Codependent No More" last week when I was feeling bad, but I hadn't cracked it open. Today I put it in my hand, closed my eyes and asked God to send me to the right page. He did.

I opened the book up and found myself smack dab in the middle of the chapter on "undependence". The first words I read were "If we have decided, for whatever reason, that we can't take care of ourselves, I have good news. The theme of this book is encouragement to begin taking care of ourselves. We are not helpless. Being ourselves and being responsible for ourselves do not have to be so painful and scary. We can handle things, whatever life brings our way. We don't have to be so dependent on the people around us. Unlike Siamese twins, we can live without any particular human being. Now let me give what I shall call the "rest" of the news. There is no magic, easy, overnight way to become undependent."

I went on to read the rest of the chapter and immediately found comfort in the words I read. We can't expect things from people who are unable to give them to us. If we do, we will continue to be disappointed. Suddenly, I remembered why I loved this book so much in the first place. It's all about me. Me, and the way I feel. And guess what??? I'm not the only person who feels this way! What wonderful news!

I'm going to start working on my thinking. Again. Much of what I put myself through is learned behavior. If I learned it, I can unlearn it.