Codependent people are givers. When that giving becomes exhausting, or when we're not getting joy from it we need to stop and do a "Giving Check". As luck would have it, I sat down to do a little reading this morning, and lo and behold, the next chapter in my book was on this very subject. Here's what it had to say:It's said people can't outgive God, but codependents come close. That's not healthy giving. If we are compulsively giving, stop until our giving comes from the heart. Abstinence from giving is the best way to do this. No giving until our giving and receiving is clean and balanced.
Some people associate all giving with codependency and permanently stop giving. Not giving at all is as unhealthy as compulsively giving too much. Both behaviours are codependent. Giving is a personal choice. But never giving breaks universal law. Giving too much or too little means we're not trusting ourselves. Know when to give again.
While it's more blessed to give than get, it's important to receive. For some people, giving puts us in the driver's seat. Receiving leaves us vulnerable and we feel like someone is controlling us. Some of us have been abused by people who gave to us, and to protect ourselves, we don't receive from anyone anymore, which guarantees people can't control us by giving. Learning when to receive means listening to and trusting ourselves. It's even okay to ask for what we need.
Become aware of your giving and receiving. Note how much you give, who you give to, what the feelings are that motivate it, and how you feel afterward. Log when and what you receive and how you feel about it. Do you feel like you have to give back each time someone gives to you? Are you caught up in compulsive giving? Are you giving to manipulate? Are you able to ask for what you need?
Awareness is the first step toward acceptance, peace, and change.
-Melody Beattie "The New Codependency"
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