This behavior is closely related to controlling. It means that we try to get what we want indirectly or in a dishonest fashion. We try to seduce, control, trick, or trap people into doing what we want them to do because we are afraid to ask and be direct or hear a no. Many of us have done this so long we may not be aware we're doing it. Sometimes manipulation works, but it's usually accompanied by bad feelings.
Codependents are indirect. We don't do it on purpose. We do it because we've learned to communicate this way. At some point, either in our childhood or in our adult family we learned it was wrong to talk about problems, express feelings, and express opinions. We learned it was wrong to directly state what we want and need. It was certainly wrong to say no, and stand up for ourselves. An alcoholic parent or spouse will be glad to teach these rules; we have been too willing to learn and accept them.
For me, this one goes way back. As with many people of their generation, my parents regularly communicated this way. I was a quick study and learned it early on. My mother was a master at it. I thought it was brilliant.
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