Step One

Tonight I'll begin a twelve part "mini-series" dedicated to my interpretation of the Twelve Steps and how they pertain to my journey. The Steps mean different things to different people. This is strictly my interpretation of them.

Step One:

"We admitted we were powerless over alcohol - that our lives had become unmanageable."

The Codependent's First Step is slightly different:

"We admitted we were powerless over others - that our lives had become unmanageable."

No one wants to admit they are powerless over something. The alcoholic will try for years to convince themselves and everyone around them they can handle alcohol like a "normal" person. That's why admitting there is a problem must be the First Step in any recovery.

For me, the second part of this Step came along first. It was no secret my life had been unmanageable for quite sometime. The "Unfortunate Deck Incident" mentioned in "The Day I Hit The Wall Part 1" (October 29, 2008) pretty much sealed the deal. And that's just the one incident I've had time to write about. Before that it was "The Empty House Across The Street Incident", "The (fill in the blank) Concert Incidents", "The Pool Party Incident", and "The Day We Buried My Mom Incident" to name a few. Not only was my life unmanageable, I was also about one step away from crazy.

True, a good part of that insanity came from my husband's alcoholism. But even on sober days I was still mad! That's when I discovered the first part of the Step.

It was hard for me to admit that I was powerless over others. I'm a mom. I'm an office manager. I like being in control. Truth be told, I'm really good at being in control. It wasn't until I began reading "Codependent No More" a few days after the "Unfortunate Deck Incident" that I fully understood my life was unmanageable due in part to my strong desire to control everything and everyone around me.

This Step is a huge one. One that I've fully embraced. I understand and accept now that I am powerless over others, and that my life had become completely unmanageable from trying. That doesn't mean I don't have to work at it. That has to happen every single day. But that's the beauty of the Twelve Steps. They are always there, in no particular order, to guide us along.