Sunday, July 1, 2012

I'll Be The Judge Of That

I remember when I was going through my first divorce. I had spent four grueling years playing detective, catching my husband cheat on me multiple times. I was caught up in so many lies, I literally didn't know what the truth was. I cried my heart out at night. I made up stories to cover for my husband in the event I was finally able to "fix" the problem, and make this whole sordid mess go away. I went to counseling, I begged, I pleaded, and I finally conceded that the marriage was over.

So one day at work, a former employee, Amy, had come in to the office for a visit, and was asking my coworker Marjorie, how everyone was doing. When Amy found out David and I were in the process of a divorce, she told Marjorie that disgusted her. She said "That's pathetic! They should have tried to work it out". For a long time, that upset me so badly, I could think of nothing else. I wanted to track Amy down, and explain to her what I'd been through. I wanted her to understand that I DID try to fix my marriage! I DID try to get David to stop cheating and lying, and pointing shot guns at me in the dark! I was desperate for Amy's understanding about my decision. I do not exaggerate when I tell you it took me months, even years to stop worrying about that.

That was then, this is now.

I still find myself seeking approval from people. I'll ask people if I said the right thing to someone else. If my text sounded okay. If a conversation or a decision was the right one. Of course this is my deep rooted insecurity. No longer believing in myself. Not trusting that I'm capable of making the right choices in my life.

But as uncertain as I am about a lot of things, I will never again allow people who have no idea what I've been through, to judge me and make me feel bad. I don't owe the "Amy's" of the world an explanation. I don't owe ANYONE an explanation.

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