Something interesting happened last night. For the second time in a few weeks now, I spoke my mind to someone, and said some things that have been stewing inside me for a long, long time. My mother-in-law Cher, happened to be at my house when this occured (she is NOT the person to whom this conversation was directed). She suggested I just relax and not say anything I may regret. But I wanted to say these things. I NEEDED to say these things. When we discussed it later in the evening, she and my husband said something about me being angry. That's when I had my first ephiphany for the weekend.
I realized when I had said these things, I wasn't angry. When I had the big talk with my husband a few weeks ago, I wasn't angry. I realized I was angry about these things at some point or points in the past, I just kept it all inside me and let it eat away at my body, my mind, and my sanity like a fast spreading cancer. I'm speaking up now, about things I was angry about a long time ago. And it feels really good.
Two nights ago, before I said my peace, I was talking with another person who is involved in the story. She told me she wanted desperately to speak up to this person. In fact, the person gave her a golden opportunity to do so, saying something like "What do YOU think about this situation? Do you agree with everyone else?" The person said they wanted to scream "HELL YES!! at the top of their lungs, but instead replied with a shrug of her shoulders.
Every counselor I've ever been to, including Kate, feels we learn these types of behaviors as a child. Today, I got a reminder of just how I learned them. Thus, bringing on my second ephiphany of the weekend. I was talking to my Dad on the telephone, and decided I was going to tell him about speaking my mind last night. It was a situation that concerned him as well, and I thought he might want to hear what I had to say. I actually thought he'd be proud of me for saying it. Instead, he said "I don't want to hear this, don't tell me anymore!" and he hung up on me. Hmmmm.....I guess supressing my feelings and my anger and not saying what I feel are behaviors I've known my whole life. I learned them from him. It's how I was raised. Well, it's not how I plan to do things anymore. This doesn't mean I'm going to be mean, or hateful, or hurtful to people. It means I'm learning to speak the truth about how I feel. Instead of supressing, I'm learning to speak up about what's on my mind, and not let it eat away at me anymore. Instead of shrugging my shoulders, and then getting anxiety induced chest pains, from now on I'm going to scream, at the top of my lungs, "HELL YES!"
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