Today is my 48th birthday. A time to celebrate another year of life and for me at least, a time to reflect. I started thinking about my life this time last year, and I remembered that I was in the throws of depression. So I went back in the archives and actually read last year's birthday post, and it reminded me just how sad and sick I was a year ago.
It would be a couple more months past my birthday before I melted down in the gynecologist's office during my annual exam, and she would recommend I go see a psychiatrist. Let me reiterate that was some really good advice. I've been on anti anxiety and depression medication for several months now and I can't begin to tell you how much that has helped. The interesting thing was I'd been on meds before, but they never made me feel right. Having an actual psychiatrist prescribe the meds instead of your family physician makes all the difference. At least it did for me. But it didn't stop there. I've seen my counselor Kate, every week or every other week since I started the meds. She's helped me tremendously. I'm happy to say that these were life changing events for me, and while I'm not trouble free, I am certainly not in the bowels of depression like I was last year at this time. For that I am so grateful.
I managed to get off some of the weight I gained during last year's depression, but not all of it. As always, I need to focus on my eating and exercise. Particularly exercise. I need to keep this old body healthy.
But just like yesterday, I'm not going to push myself too far into 2012. Not yet anyway. Today I will celebrate my life! I'm going to finish my coffee, then check my well wishes on Facebook. After that, I'm going to get cleaned up and hit one or two stores for after Christmas sales. Then I'm going to go see "Kenny". He does my nails. I'm getting this bright Christmas red off my fingernails and switching to something else. I think I'll get the sweet Vietnamese lady who lives next door to Dad to give me a pedicure while I'm there. Whenever I get done with all that, I'm going to hook up with Scarlet for lunch and a cold beer. Then, I'm not sure. Later this evening, I may drop by the home of my friend Margo from work. She's on vacation this week and invited me by for a birthday cocktail.
For some reason I just feel the need to go and go, and just keep busy today, so that's what I'm going to do. I got some money and some gift cards for Christmas and my birthday, and I'm going to spend them! I'll buy a couple of new clothing items--it always makes you feel good to put on something new!
Anyway, on this birthday I am thankful to my friends and my family. Without you I would have withered away long ago. I am thankful for this forum, so that I may organize my thoughts and keep them journaled for myself or someone else to ponder later on. But mostly, I'm thankful that the cloud of depression and anxiety that literally tried to snuff the life out of me this time last year, has lifted.
A codependent person is one who has let another person's behavior affect him or her, and who is obsessed with controlling that person's behavior.
The following two "Detach" journal entries will give you a crash course:
"An Answer to a Prayer" dated Nov 1, 2008 "How Did We Wind Up Here?" dated Nov 2, 2008
About This Journal
In 2008 I had the life changing realization that there was a name for what I'd always felt was "wrong" with me. After 20 years of thumbing through various self-help books. I learned about codependence.
I began writing this journal to document my journey out. Over time, it's evolved into something more. While I still talk about codependence (I know now, it will never totally leave me), this blog has turned into the thumbprint of my life; a therapeutic journal for me to sort out a lifetime of thoughts and memories. I believe in being honest with myself and others, and when something is bothering me, I reach out. With a support team of strong, smart women surrounding us, we can all continue to grow. I'm trying to live my best life, in pursuit of a Healthy Mind, a Healthy Body.