Thursday, May 19, 2011

Just Okay

Let me preface this by saying, while my new meds are definitely helping me, they seem to be quite ineffective at treating my PMDD. I've been in an incredibly unstable mood today, and all day I've felt desperately out of sorts. In no way do I mean any disrespect for my company, and as always, will not even name the organization. This journal entry is for me to sort the plethora of feelings I've had all day today.

It's no secret, for the past three years or so, I've been discontented with my job. There was a time in my life where I couldn't imagine anything but spending the rest of my life at my company. I was happy, I was content, I felt like my thoughts and ideas were important, and I felt like I had a good chance for growth and advancement within the company. All of that went away with a corporate merger a few years back and now I feel that I am in a situation where there is zero chance for advancement, maybe even for any more pay raises. I'm not even sure my office will continue to operate when our lease is up in three years. I'm giving it a 50/50 shot. Attrition has meant that our staff will only continue to dwindle as employees leave the company, meaning we must constantly keep trying to figure out how to do more with less; all the while ensuring that our customers are "totally satisfied". "Satisfied" is unacceptable. I watch my employees grow frustrated by taking on more and more duties, some of them doing so knowing their pay will never increase.

Believe me, I know a lot of people have it a whole lot worse. I know I'm lucky to have a job. I get it. But working harder and harder only to feel things are never good enough makes it feel like the walls are slowly closing in on me. I swear to God, sometimes I feel like a deck hand on the Titanic. The ship is going down folks, and all we can do is wait for it.

I won't lie. I don't know what to do about it. I'm 47 years old, and I don't have a college degree. I make decent money and I get a lot of vacation time. Maybe I should just follow the lead of so many of my coworkers and just buck up and deal with it. After all; it is what it is. I can't afford to quit my job and I'm not sure there's much else out there for me anyway.

So in my life I feel like I'm trapped in a cycle of things that are "just okay". My job, my marriage, my self esteem. Not great, not fulfilling, but not terrible, and certainly very safe.

I'm just wondering if "just okay" is going to get it for me for the rest of my life. Is "just okay" good enough? SHOULD it be good enough? Right now, there's not alot of choices, so I guess it has to be. Maybe there are choices and I just can't see them.

Col. Harland Sanders was nearly 50 years old when he came up with his "secret recipe" for cooking his fried chicken. Maybe it's not too late for me after all.

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