A Step Outside The Box

Yesterday was a big day for me.

I had planned to do a few things around the house, go to the grocery, and just lay low. While I was having my morning coffee, my husband's sister called on the phone to say she had four tickets to a private party at Thunder Over Louisville (the very large fireworks event and air show to kick off Derby).

I hate Derby. My husband on the other hand......loves it. In years past he would celebrate the two minute race with three or so weeks of out of control debauchery.I'm not sure my husband and I have EVER had any type of positive experience at any type of Derby event, even when we first started dating. They would always start out okay but then he gets drunk, I get pissed, and major drama always follows. I've loaded up babies and picked him up in the middle of the night walking home from miles away; drunk. I've found him aimlessly wandering school yards, out of his mind drunk after a long day at the track. I've thrown my hands up and just left him at events when it was hours past time to go; not knowing how he'll eventually get home. I could write paragraph upon paragraph of Derby stories that would make anyone's head spin, but I won't.

So when we got the invitation I immediately felt out of control. I didn't want to go because I was so terrified of what might happen. I stopped attempting to go to any type of Derby function with my husband years ago.

We started going in to our "roles". Him saying "I can tell you don't want to go; just forget it." Me saying "No, it's fine. Maybe it will be fun..." and not really meaning it. Then I just decided to bite the bullet and see what would happen; drawing a boundary in my mind and deciding if the boundary was crossed I'd take the kids and leave.

We ended up going. We took the kids. We had a bird's eye view of the events, a lovely catered meal, easy access to port-a-potties, and perfect weather. Alcohol was everywhere, but he didn't drink. It was tiring, but we had a fun evening with the kids.

After we got home he told me he was proud of me. He said he knew that was hard for me. I told him I was proud of him, and that I knew it was hard for him too.

I'm not getting delusions of gradeur; I know I'm in for a few headaches the next couple of weeks, but I'm trying to stay grounded, repeat the Serenity Prayer, and focus on the things I can control. It was just nice to be able to let go and step outside the box just a little.

Baby Steps.