Boundaries 101

As you've learned by now, this blog is not written exclusively for spouses of alcoholics. Codependence, and unhealthy behaviors in general affect us all. If you have a relationship with anyone at all, a parent, friend, or coworker you can practice healthy behaviors and non-healthy behaviors.

Since I just finished reading about them in Melodie Beattie's new book "The New Codependency" I want to write a little about boundaries.


Boundaries aren't something we just "get." They come from inside of us as honest expressions of who we are. At first setting limits is hard, but it becomes easier with practice and time. We open our mouths and say what we mean instead of saying what we think people want to hear.

Having good boundaries with people includes:

• respecting their rights, privacy, and personal business;
• asking, not expecting, assuming, demanding, or insisting;
• doing what we say we will, and saying when plans change;
• asking if it's a good time to talk when we call;
• not arriving unannounced unless both parties agree that's okay;
• not borrowing without asking;
• telling the truth;
• being nonjudgemental;
• not confronting, accusing, or intervening without checking facts;
• not pushing our beliefs on others;
• not feeling entitled to taking what others have by manipulation;
• not talking about others behind their backs.

When we're uncertain what someone's boundaries are, ask!

Here's a great place to start:

If you could say anything and it wouldn't be wrong,

what would you say and to whom?

That's the boundary you need to set.