My Ex-Husband

Since my big epiphany about my codependence, I've been thinking alot about how it all came to be. When I started studying the condition, my immediate reaction was that it was all my (current) husband's fault. I was behaving this way because of his drinking. As I mentioned the other day, I've since began to understand I've been this way for a long time; maybe all my life.

Lately I've been thinking about my first marriage, and the huge role it played in creating the monster I became. Many people that know me now don't even know I was married before, but in fact I was--for seven years. Seven years I have virtually blocked from memory because they sucked. But I think it's important to dig up a little of that time in my life. Maybe it's time to come to terms with a few things that I buried and never truly dealt with.

There's a lot to this story, and since I don't think any of us are up for another long, drawn out "mini series", I'll just write random things about him (and me) over time as they surface. Maybe at some point they will all connect.

Today's thought:

One night a friend and I sat in my car for four hours waiting for my ex-husband, David to come out of a bar. I suspected he was in there with another woman; I was correct. Four hours was plenty of time to work myself into a rage, thinking of him betraying me. I fantasized about mowing both of them down as they unexpectedly exited the bar. I fantasized about calling her husband so he could be there with me when it all went down. Oh, they will be sorry.

By the time they came out of the bar at around 2:00 a.m. I had worked myself into quite a frenzy. Even though it was summer, I was shaking down to my bones. My hands were frozen and unsteady. I waited for them to walk near me and then I started the car. I blinded them with my bright headlights as I gunned straight towards them. Then, at the last moment I slammed on my brakes and got out of the car. I screamed. I cursed. I think I even pretended to faint. I heard my mild-mannered friend actually threaten them both with physcial harm, and say the "F" word for the first time ever. Of course it was a huge scene; one of many in my sordid life.

I see now this was a pathetic and desperate attempt on my part to control their behavior. Surely they would see that I was on to them and that I was potentially crazy, and surely they would stop what they were doing and David and I could get on with our lives. Why, oh WHY didn't I make better use of that four hours and just start packing my things??

Of course I didn't. Of course I stayed for a long time after that, and things just got worse. My attempts to control didn't work even back then.

I guess part of the reason for my codependence is a result of my husband's drinking, but it's starting to be very clear it's so not the only reason. It's also very clear I've got a very long way to go in this recovery.