Crazy, But That's How It Goes

I'm not sure why, but last night I had a dream that I had walked up on the scene where Ozzy Osbourne guitarist Randy Rhodes was killed. The accident occurred in March, 1982, when Rhodes was persuaded to take a ride in a plane piloted by the tour bus driver. The pilot decided to "buzz" the tour bus where Ozzy was sleeping. The wing clipped the bus, tearing it apart, and the plane crashed into a nearby home.

The dream scene was quite vivid. It was early in the morning, the sun was just coming up, and there was dew all over the grass. A light fog covered the field. In the dream I saw the debris, the smoke, and everyone was walking around crying and in shock, but I couldn't hear them. I could only hear soft music playing. I was there, but removed from the scene. They were in slow motion, but I was not. I felt unusually calm, like I had read the story in complete detail several times, and already knew what had happened.

I don't know what made me dream this. I had not seen anything about a plane crash, Randy Rhodes, or Ozzy during the day. It was just one of those strange things that happens.

P.S.

Our series of letters to our 20 year old selves evoked a great deal of emotion in many of us. Some people told me they really struggled with what to write. One person who is not a reader of Detach, told me they had been thinking about this for days, and had thought of many things they would say to their young self, but all of it was so devastating, they could barely stand to think about it.

I think it's interesting to think of the hard lessons learned in life, and how we wish we knew then, what we know now. What might we have done differently? Oh how much pain and heartache we might have saved ourselves.

As for me, I think I took the challenge too lightly. I've written so many serious thoughts about myself in this journal, I just couldn't bear to write them all again.

I'll move away from this series, but in the coming days, if anyone has thoughts they'd like to add, please feel free to send them. Thanks to everyone who shared their letters.

Dear Young Kitty

My 20 year old self…you mean I am not still 20?
I hate to tell you 20 year old self (20yos) but you will always use fear as a self motivator.

I will tell you to not spend all of your time in the past or the future…but you are not going to listen.
The passions that you hold as a 20yos is something you will fight hard to hang on to. The things you want will come your way, and you will get paid; understand there is a price for expanding or contracting your creativity & freedom; you will learn about your naivety and strength.

Kitty, I know you have so many questions and are eager to begin your journey. You are finishing college and are madly in love with a man seven years your senior. You have so much to learn about how to have healthy relationships! He will help you discover many things, but I will be proud of you when you determine that he is not the partner you can spend your life with. But for the letter, 20yos, have more sex!

You want to get far from the life you have lived, and as fast as you can. You know you have nothing to lose, and you could easily settle back into the life you see around you. You continue to develop a vision and you begin on your journey. You board a fast bound train; doing as much as possible, every day…I remember your 20yos; 3 jobs while in college; you always find a way.
Your on a fast bound train and you do not allow any permanent interruptions to our vision. Your stomach hurts when you think about how the path chosen leaves other paths untraveled? Try to learn how to relax now; it will be hard to learn this later, it is a consequence of the fast bound train.

20yos, try to grasp the thought that there is not a magic pot of gold or final destination on the journey, but that the acquisition of peace and happiness is what you will ultimately desire. You do not have to prove you are worthy. Peace of mind is as or more valuable than all that you are fighting for. The game is long, pace yourself.

So Kitty got on a fast bound train. She didn’t really understand where she was going. Out the window she can see lovely terrain but the train moves very fast and it is hard to comprehend, it blurs together.

She found true love – something she always expected at 20. She would have never guessed that at 20 she had already met the man that she would end up marrying, 10 years later.

If I could have told 20yos that the train tracks on which she will travel have been laid by the Lord, would her spirit have spent less time worried and scared during the next 20 years of her life?

Kitty, please hear my plea, take time to “be” in your life. You are ok; don’t be so hard on yourself. You will continue to develop into a good person but you must always be aware of your emotions. Try to use your head much more than your heart for decisions. Life will be challenging even when it is good. Your pathway is a good one; continue to believe in yourself…it is a good thing you don’t know how hard it really is. Stay as far away from alcohol and drugs as you can; the destruction does not discriminate.

Work hard, do things that make you uncomfortable, expand your horizons, and don’t whine. Do not underestimate the power of choices and destiny and lack of control. Don’t get lazy.

Dear Young Mystical

Very well written, Mystical. I love it.

Well look at you young Mystical...still living at home with Mom & Dad, trying to figure out if you truly want to continue going to college. Your heart really isn't in it and your grades are slipping so you've lost your pell grant money. How in the hell do you think you'll be able to pay for college with your meager bingo jobs and fast food experience? The only thing that you are positively certain of is that you are totally and very deeply in love with the only man who seems perfect for you. You are so lucky to have met him when you did...he was there for you when you had to deal with your parents issues...he makes you feel safe and secure and you can trust him with your life. Sure, he has issues, who doesn't and I'm here to tell you that those issues will always be there. He will hurt you but not the way most partners hurt each other. When he clings to you, it's because he needs you, you are his light...not to suffocate you. Because of who you are, you won't speak up...you'll choose to keep the peace and ignore the lonliness in your relationship and it will come to a head but no lines will ever be crossed and the only thing lost will be the time that you both spent only loving each other and not really being in love with each other. When you get there, don't look back with regret of lost time, just move forward and enjoy the fresh feelings that you will experience once you start to open up like you should. You just won't believe how easy it is to get that new in love feeling back and with the same person you've been with for over 25 years! Sorry honey, no kids in your future...it may make you sad at some point but I promise that you will happily accept it, especially once your little sister starts popping 'em out. There's really no room in your life for children...it sounds harsh to others but it doesn't really matter what others think now does it? You'll have 3 beautiful German Shepherds and a Belgian Malinios to take care of and they will love you and protect you fiercely and bring great joy to your life. You'll get to raise a litter of pups and that will be an incredible experience. My final advice is to keep your head up...be safe and always alert because it's a crazy place to live in right now...don't ever become a sheeple and always, always, always stand up for your right to protect yourself...there are those out there who want to take that freedom away from you but don't let them. Remember to live in the moment...life is way to short. There will be plenty of heartache to come...it's simply a part of life and when you think about it, life would be pretty boring without it. And finally, as a tribute to my dear friend Mary...Rock on Sister!

Dear Young Nodrog

I am very excited to have a letter from a male reader! This is a long time friend of mine, who is relatively new to "Detach". I love getting a male perspective on some of these issues and ideas. Thanks for sending this is in, Nodrog.

Dear Nodrog,

You graduated from U of L on May 19th, 1990. You were 21, and after the best four years of your life, you reluctantly started a PhD program in the Fall. It was a more focused experience than you thought you were ready for. Think again. You were ready for it. It was a mistake to leave it. You should have stayed at home for a few more years and gotten your doctorate. You would have been teaching for a bit, which wasn't something that interested you, but it would have opened doors in ways we'll never know. You had three distinct decades which made you what you are today. You experienced the most challenging, interesting, and exciting times of your life during the eighties. The nineties were a period for you to explore new things~ you got an apt and started having girlfriends. There was also turbulence during the nineties: You began drinking and driving. You luckily stopped that behavior as you moved into the first decade of the 21st century: You bought a house, quit your job, and took a few years to reflect on things. Midway through the 00's, you decided to get a job again, and see what would happen next. Nothing really does happen next.

Dear Young Mary

Twenty years old. You are recently married, madly in love, and think that it will last forever. It won't. I wish you wouldn't stay here so long. I wish you would run like the wind when you find out about the first affair, but you won't.

Mary, you will never be able to fix anyone. No one but yourself, the one person you will neglect the most. But you will spend the next 28 years trying. Love yourself and you won't need so much love from others. Even when you realize this, much later in life, you still won't be able to practice it. I don't know why, because we are still struggling with it, even today.

The best advice I can give:

There's always another man.
There's always another house. (This will mean more to you when you decide you want to flip).
Always surround yourself with strong, intelligent, women who care about you. (You won't have a problem with this--you will always appreciate the value of your friends).
Don't wait so long to start getting pedicures.
Trust your instincts. They are almost always right. Don't think you are crazy for feeling suspicious. Don't apologize for it.
You will never regret choosing an SUV over a mini van.
When something goes wrong, and it will, don't think it's something you did. Don't carry the weight of the world on your shoulders. Don't think you could have stopped it by being prettier, skinnier, younger, smarter, friendlier, or sexier. It was never about you. Ever.
Listen to your parents. They are smarter than you think.
Confidence is sexy. Anxiety, insecurity, and jealousy are major turn offs--not only to lovers, but to friends, and everyone around you.
Take care of your skin.
Don't be so afraid of everything.
Never stop going to rock concerts.
Travel as much as you can.
Appreciate your family; especially your mother. She will be gone too soon.
Oh, and Mary...don't be content with the unacceptable. You deserve better.

Dear Young Sally

I know I said my letter to Young Mary would be the next entry, but Sally had her letter written before I could even start mine....and I absolutely love it! Get busy, readers! This is a great topic.

Dear 20 Year Old Self,
It’s hard for me to remember exactly what you were like, it’s been such a long and evolving journey. I’ll do my best to help you out, but I wouldn’t want to change any of the experiences you will have. Let’s see, about right now you have purchased your first house and are living with your husband. You feel like you are living the American dream. I know that you are still in a lot of pain because of the experiences you had in your childhood. That anger you feel will serve you well in life later. Know now, that it can be turned around to be a positive fuel in directing your future. I know how in love you are, and how happy it makes you feel to be so close to someone. I know now also that it is what you need right now, and that it is filling that void inside that you feel. You will have a lot of adventures with your love, go many places and see so many things. You will even move, far away, and that experience will feed your growth even more. I just want to give you a few pieces of advice without giving everything away. Believe in yourself and your abilities, your confidence is low, but believe me when I say that one day you will be fierce and confident. Know that when you have really tumultuous times, that it will get better. You will stay strong and you will survive. In the end you will conquer more than you ever know. Learn to eliminate negativity from your life sooner than later. There will be many times when you want to hang on to something for all the wrong reasons, and you can save yourself many months of waste by listening to this advice. You are beautiful, inside and out, believe that. You might have to find that through external validation, but never beat yourself up because of it. You just are where you are right now, and that doesn’t mean you will always be that way. Cherish your friends, they will be your strength and your comfort throughout your life. You will be blessed with many friends. I don’t have to tell you to cherish your mom, I know you already do that, and you will continue to do that throughout your life.
This one is important. I know you are thinking that you never want kids because how could someone with so much anger and internal conflict to work out ever become a mother. You will find a place of peace, and you will be able to be a better mother than you could possibly imagine.
Above all, know that with great pain, unimaginable healing can occur. Out of the depths of sadness, there is a journey that can lead to a brilliant light. You will learn that you never stop growing, and that life is a constant evolution.
I love who you are now, and I know that you will love who you become.
Until then,
Sally