Grief Stages

Elisabeth Kubler-Ross first identified the stages and this process as the way dying people accept their death, the ultimate loss. She called it the grief process. Since then mental health professionals have observed people go through these stages whenever they face any loss. The loss could be minor--a five dollar bill, not receiving an expected letter--or it could be significant--the loss of a spouse through divorce or death, the loss of a job. Even positive change brings loss--when we buy a new house and leave the old one--and requires a progression through five stages; the first of which we will discuss tonight.

Denial

The first stage is denial. This is a state of shock, numbness, panic, and general refusal to accept or acknowledge reality. We do everything and anything to put things back in place or pretend the situation isn't happening. There is much anxiety and fear in this stage. Reactions typical of denial include : refusing to believe reality ("No, this can't be!"); denying or minimizing the importance of the loss ("It's no big deal."); denying any feelings about the loss ("I don't care."), or mental avoidance (sleeping, obsessing, compulsive behaviors, and keeping busy). We may feel somewhat detached from ourselves, and our emotional responses may be flat, nonexistent, or inappropriate (laughing when we should be crying; crying when we should be happy).

We are not denying whatever we are denying because we are stupid, stubborn, or deficient. We are not even consciously lying to ourselves. We're simply not letting ourselves know what reality is.

In times of great stress, we shut down our awareness emotionally, sometimes intellectually, and occasionally physically. A built in mechanism operates to screen out devastating information and to prevent us from becoming overloaded. We use it to shut out our awareness of things that would be too disturbing to know.

Denial is the shock absorber for the soul. It is an instinctive and natural reaction to pain, loss, and change. It protects us. It wards off the blows of life until we can gather our coping resources.
-Adapted from "Codependent No More"

After I had a mountain of hard evidence that my first husband was cheating on me I still wouldn't believe it. I kept thinking "What if I'm wrong?". A guy I knew at the time told me "Mary, are you are going to have to walk in to the bedroom and catch them in the act before you believe this?" I guess my mind just wasn't ready to grasp and accept it. I didn't want to face the loss of my marriage.

When it comes to being Queen of Denial, I'm flippin' Cleopatra. In fact, I'm in and out of this stage all the time.

I've encountered a few people the past couple of weeks who I believe are in this stage right now for one reason or another. "I'm fine. Everything's fine. See how happy we all are? Yes, everything is going to be just fine....why wouldn't it be?"

Denial ain't just a river in Egypt.