Tuesday, May 5, 2009

What I Learned During Derby 2009

Now that I've had a couple of days to reflect, here are some of the things I learned during Derby 2009.

1. After 17 years together I still do not understand why my husband feels the need to celebrate Derby so intensely that he causes himself physical damage. It's almost as if the apologies and rehabilitation afterward are all a part of the Derby experience to him. I don't care how many books I read, I will never understand this.

2. Try as I may to avoid this, I am still way too concerned with what my husband is doing most of the time. I know I must focus on myself, but I continue to focus on him. But because of my awareness of this problem I have now discovered a strange phenomenon-- others are doing it too. I had a steady stream of emails and phone calls during the week with people asking me what he was doing, how much he was drinking, and how he was behaving. The big question: can my codependency make other people codependent????

3. I discovered I don't like it when other people tell me my husband is stupid. He isn't stupid, he is an alcoholic. When he drinks his behaviors become manic, over the top, and extremely annoying, but he isn't stupid. I guess it's like the boy who defends his little brother. I can criticize or fight with him, but I really don't like it when someone else does.

4. When my husband and I do argue, the same unresolved issues always seem to resurface, and they came out loud and clear this week. They need to be resolved once and for all.

5. My husband is not cured of alcoholism. I am not cured of codependency. We love each other but we have some issues. The good news is we love each other and we both want to be better. Better individuals, better parents, and a better couple.



I'm glad as hell it's over for another year. I have my first counseling session tomorrow. I hope this counselor is a good fit for me; I'm ready to move forward.




2 comments:

Mystical said...

#3 is my favorite. Most of us who marry, do so for a reason. Hopefully that reason is because we love them. We love all of them, the good, the bad and the ugly. I have a theory about our friends who make these derrogatory comments. They love us too and don't want to see us hurt so they think that they are supporting us by bashing our significant other and egging us on in a supportive way when we bash them. It's easy to get carried away sometimes. They forget that it's perfectly ok for us to bash them...hell, we married them and therefore earned the right to do all of the bashing we want! HA! So, while I hope I've never bashed anyone's husband, at least to their face, I know that I've at the very least had the thought 'what a dirty rotten bastard to do that to her!' Or discussed it with another about one of my friend's husbands. I think it's perfectly natural. I think what us married folks look for in our friends is a supportive shoulder to cry on or just another perspective from an outside source that can maybe justify, even if just a little bit, why our men act so stupid sometimes. Most of the times there really is no answer for the stupidity but to have a friend say "you know, it will be ok. He's done this before and you've gotten through it. Keep your head up and stand your ground and know that I am always here for you" is probably the best support that you can ask for. I'm glad that your Derby is over and it sounds like you made some strides by learning and discovering new things about the whole event. I'm excited to hear about the counseling. Good luck my friend.

Mary said...

You are very right. We have lots of people who love us and don't want us to be hurt...ever. But like them, we want to protect the ones we love too....even if they do drive us crazy sometimes.

Good comment, Mystical.