Thursday, January 8, 2015

One Step

One of my favorite shows on television is "The Biggest Loser". Tonight was makeover week. It was a very powerful episode. I watched as the contestants transformed, and my favorite player Sonya looking so fabulous, said she had never felt beautiful in her entire life until now.  How moving it was to watch her find that beautiful place--to put on a dress that complimented her figure, to have fresh hair and make up. It reminded me of myself a couple of years ago. That's when I discovered myself the same way. I felt pretty for the first time in a long time. Confident. Worthy. 

In the past few months I have lost that confidence. I have gained too much weight. I'm heavier than I ever have been in my life, including full-term pregnancy. I have battled this bizarre rash and it's side effects for 2 1/2 months. I don't feel worthy of pretty things or doing things for myself. I didn't buy a fall/winter wardrobe. Nothing new. When I finally did use some Christmas money to order some boots online, I could not get them zipped around my large calves. The realization that I had to send them back caused my thinking to become incredibly distorted. Everything I have worked so hard for when out the window. I started thinking "What's the use? Just go gray. Cut off the nails. Get as fat as you want. Then just go buy a bunch of old lady clothes. Fuck it. What's the use anyway"? 

Tonight I think I found a little inspiration within myself. Watching the contestants, I remember how good it felt to have that self-discovery and find my inner and outer beauty, and feel confident and good about myself. I want that back. Maybe I have the motivation I need now to get back on the road. One step. One foot in front of the other. 

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