In the past few months I have lost that confidence. I have gained too much weight. I'm heavier than I ever have been in my life, including full-term pregnancy. I have battled this bizarre rash and it's side effects for 2 1/2 months. I don't feel worthy of pretty things or doing things for myself. I didn't buy a fall/winter wardrobe. Nothing new. When I finally did use some Christmas money to order some boots online, I could not get them zipped around my large calves. The realization that I had to send them back caused my thinking to become incredibly distorted. Everything I have worked so hard for when out the window. I started thinking "What's the use? Just go gray. Cut off the nails. Get as fat as you want. Then just go buy a bunch of old lady clothes. Fuck it. What's the use anyway"?
Tonight I think I found a little inspiration within myself. Watching the contestants, I remember how good it felt to have that self-discovery and find my inner and outer beauty, and feel confident and good about myself. I want that back. Maybe I have the motivation I need now to get back on the road. One step. One foot in front of the other.