Earlier this week, a good friend of mine said something to me that keeps resurfacing in my head. She asked if it was possible for me to ever be happy. Essentially, would I ever allow myself to be happy.
So I've been thinking about this question. I used to be happy. In fact, up until my early 20s, I rarely remember being unhappy. So did I physically change? Were anxiety and depression always simmering just beneath the surface, waiting for me to reach a physical age? Or did life experiences harden and jade me to the point where I learned to trust no one? Where I learned if I over analyzed everything, and stayed on guard at all times, no one could make a fool of me again. I would have supreme control to prevent that from happening ever again.
I'm pretty sure the life experiences, and my paralyzing fear of being duped again are to blame. Can I get past it one more time? Can I ever trust someone 100% again? Probably not. Will I ever allow myself to be happy again? Maybe. I don't know.
8 hours ago