"Anxiety is love's greatest killer. It makes one feel as you might when a drowning man holds onto you. You want to save him, but you know he will strangle you with his panic."
This was the quote on my daily calendar today (thank you Mystical). I liked it so much I ripped out the page and laminated it. I stuck it in my purse to discuss with Kate on Friday. After that, I'm going to hang it up in my office. Why do I love this quote so much? Let me count the ways!!
If you've read my blog or know me at all, you know I struggle with anxiety...big time. It makes me do a lot of crazy things. It makes me freak out in stores. It makes me talk when I should be quiet. It makes me feel like I can't breathe. But mostly, it means my mind never stops racing, and thus I over think pretty much EVERYTHING.
On a regular basis, Kate tells me "Please don't over think this". It's always been very hard for me to enjoy relationships because I put everything under a microscope. A conversation occurs...even a pleasant one. I look at it, I smell it, I taste it. I roll it around in my hand. I listen to it over and over and over again. I dissect it. I twist it around, I run it past my friends, I write about it. Then, after all this scientific analysis, I conclude what every comment must have "really" meant. For me, this is torturous. Living with anxiety IS like drowning. Drowning in your own racing thoughts and irrational fears. For the person I'm involved with, I'm sure it is like I'm trying to pull them right on down with me.
The other night Madison made a comment that she knows she over thinks things. A mutual friend of ours said "You really need to stop doing that". We both just laughed. Ahh, if it were only that easy. We don't know why we do it. We suspect it has something to do with our insatiable need to constantly be in control. Also, our history of being hurt, and our overwhelming desire to prevent that from ever happening again. A defense mechanism.
Turning that mechanism off is not easy. It takes work and focus. I have some exercises that are supposed to distract me when I find myself obsessing on a thought or person, or when I know I'm over thinking something. I'm not having huge success with it. I only know I don't want to be the person who drags everyone I love under the water with me. I really don't.
A codependent person is one who has let another person's behavior affect him or her, and who is obsessed with controlling that person's behavior.
The following two "Detach" journal entries will give you a crash course:
"An Answer to a Prayer" dated Nov 1, 2008 "How Did We Wind Up Here?" dated Nov 2, 2008
About This Journal
In 2008 I had the life changing realization that there was a name for what I'd always felt was "wrong" with me. After 20 years of thumbing through various self-help books. I learned about codependence.
I began writing this journal to document my journey out. Over time, it's evolved into something more. While I still talk about codependence (I know now, it will never totally leave me), this blog has turned into the thumbprint of my life; a therapeutic journal for me to sort out a lifetime of thoughts and memories. I believe in being honest with myself and others, and when something is bothering me, I reach out. With a support team of strong, smart women surrounding us, we can all continue to grow. I'm trying to live my best life, in pursuit of a Healthy Mind, a Healthy Body.