I was about 22 years old the first time I thought my mother was going to die. She had a brain aneurysm and the doctors didn't give us a lot of hope that she would pull through. But she did. From that point on it was one major thing after another, so as the years went on, I slowly became "prepared" to lose her. After all, one can only cheat death so many times before death wins.
It was three years ago today that she died, and I know now I was not prepared to lose her. It's not that I had things I wanted to say to her but never go to. It's not that she and I spent a lot of "quality" time together. But losing your mother leaves a hole in your heart that I am beginning to realize, will never be filled. I think it has something to do with the fact of knowing your Mom is the one person in the world who always had your back, no matter what. The one person who's known you your entire life. The one person who groomed you into the person you are today.
Even though our parents raise us so that we may one day fly free and strong on our own, I guess that attachment is always there.
So I miss you, Mama, and I love you. I know you are here with me every day--I feel you. But I wish I could see you again--to tell you how I've been doing. I wish you could see how big the kids have gotten. You'd be so proud of them. And I know Dad misses you so much. I know he is lonely. But we're trying our best to take care of him for you, just like I promised. Just please keep giving me strength. Please keep letting me know you are there--and I will keep you in my heart forever.
A codependent person is one who has let another person's behavior affect him or her, and who is obsessed with controlling that person's behavior.
The following two "Detach" journal entries will give you a crash course:
"An Answer to a Prayer" dated Nov 1, 2008 "How Did We Wind Up Here?" dated Nov 2, 2008
About This Journal
In 2008 I had the life changing realization that there was a name for what I'd always felt was "wrong" with me. After 20 years of thumbing through various self-help books. I learned about codependence.
I began writing this journal to document my journey out. Over time, it's evolved into something more. While I still talk about codependence (I know now, it will never totally leave me), this blog has turned into the thumbprint of my life; a therapeutic journal for me to sort out a lifetime of thoughts and memories. I believe in being honest with myself and others, and when something is bothering me, I reach out. With a support team of strong, smart women surrounding us, we can all continue to grow. I'm trying to live my best life, in pursuit of a Healthy Mind, a Healthy Body.