Letter To A Friend

When you love and live with an addict you find yourself running around desperately looking for an answer. The more you have invested in the relationship, the more you want it to work. Throw in a couple of kids and a mortgage and yeah....you want this to work.

You will probably enlist the help of others....the addict's friends, family members, anyone who will listen to you. You will find yourself trying to call the addict's bluff, "I'll leave if you don't stop!" but then you don't, because that's not really what you want to do. Not yet anyway.

As time goes on, things get worse. You become a detective; carefully skimming over phone records, bank statements, even store receipts. You may find yourself following the addict. I knew a girl once who actually put on a disguise and rented a car to follow someone she thought was in trouble.

Eventually you become consumed with controlling the addict's behavior. This does not happen overnight, but trust me....it does happen. You begin to feel obsessed with the thought that you have to get things under control...YOUR CONTROL!

The question is this: Who's controlling whom?

Eventually you learn the hard way that you are not controlling the addict, or his using. He and his using are controlling you!

So what do you do? The first thing you do is start taking control of the one thing you have any control over; yourself. You may be amazed at what happens when the addict sees you stop obsessing over his behavior and start working on yourself. Get yourself educated about addiction. Next, take a look back at your own history. If you grew up in a home with substance abusers you just may be codependent. If you have a previous history of relationships with other addicts or abusers, you probably are codependent. Educate yourself about this subject, and fast! I recommend "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie.

You have some big decisions to make and no matter if you stay or if you go, things probably won't be easy. But the number one most important thing you can remember is that we are all responsible for ourselves...period. Nothing you can do will change the addict's behavior. He must do that for himself, and he likely won't be motivated enough to make any changes until he's hit rock bottom. But you don't have to hit rock bottom with him. Do what you need to do to ensure the health and well being of yourself and your family. Break the cycle for the next generation by letting them grow up in a peaceful, worry-free home, and letting them see you as a strong and healthy individual.