Why Can't I Stop?

Tomorrow morning my husband, two kids and I will be hitting the road for a family vacation. I had to work today so my prep time got shortened a bit. Let me also add that it is PMS weekend for me which means my hormones are raging and my tolerance is low.

For the past few days I'd been working on a packing list for myself and the family. As I drove home from work I started orchestrating what would need to be done once I arrived. I always get anxious immediately before a trip so the "day before" jitters combined with my PMS was beginning to wreak havoc with my nerves.

When I got home my husband had done a bunch of my laundry, brought up the suitcases, began to pack for the kids and marked several things off my list. Wow! I should be thrilled, right?? Wrong!!!! My control issues kicked into high gear and I immediately felt my shoulders get tight and my anxiety level skyrocket. I had to go upstairs, change clothes, and sit on my bed for a minute to calm down. I literally had to talk to myself out loud in an attempt to relax.

The whole time I was well aware of what was happening; that my need to control everything was causing this anxiety. That I should be grateful my husband had worked so hard to try and make things easier for me. I also recognized the role my PMS (or PMDD as my doctor calls it) was playing in all this. That condition seems to intensify every year and often plays a major role in my moods. Even though I knew I was doing this to myself and my rational mind knew I needed to get a grip, I just couldn't. I came downstairs and started trying to organize and pack but things just kept getting worse.

After head spinning, chest pains and a breathing "situation" I finally just stopped. I took a Xanax and ate some dinner. I used the method Dr. Eve taught me and did one task at a time; putting a box around it and seeing it through until it was finished.

In the end, the legwork my husband did for me really helped and it saved me a lot of time. Everyone was packed with little trouble and as I type this the car is loaded and ready to go.

Letting go of the need to control is very hard for me. It's something I don't know I'll ever master. I am more aware of it now but still a prisoner, at least at times. I want very much to be able to relax with my family during this trip. I'm trying very hard not to have a rigid plan so that if any of them come up with an idea, we may actually be able to fit it in to our schedule. Relax Mary....go with the flow. Let go of the need to control.

I'll be back to you soon.