What Have I Done For Me Lately?

People who are in relationships with alcoholics are very observant. They are able to turn a kiss "hello" into a quick sniff to see if any alcohol was consumed on the way home. They are able to recollect parties from years past and remember exactly how much alcohol was consumed. They can recite word for word the ridiculous things the alcoholic said when he was drunk. They can tell you how many consecutive days their alcoholic has gone without eating (an advanced ability reserved for more severe cases).

I fancy myself a master at these observations.

After every party I would call my support network to report my findings. "He hasn't had anything to eat since lunch on Friday. He drank at least 16 beers; and that's just the ones I SAW him drink! He jumped in the pool with all his clothes on!"

But something odd happens when the alcoholic stops drinking. Suddenly the codependent doesn't have anything to observe. Nothing to count, nothing to sniff. That's when you start obsessing about other things.....ANYTHING!

You realize you've been so focused on everything the alcoholic was doing that you forgot to observe something even more important....yourself. Taking a look in that mirror is tough. I was so busy for so many years counting how many beers my husband had that I didn't have time to count how many brownies I had, or how much money I had spent, or a lot of other things I was doing obsessively.


It's so much easier to stand back and point out someone else's faults; particularly when they screw up on a regular basis. It's much harder to turn that finger around and point it at yourself.

For years I tried so hard to control an alcoholic, and that is an impossible task. All along, the only person I really ever had any control over was me, and I was doing a crappy job.

I'm trying to work on myself now. I'm writing this journal. I'm eating healthier and exercising. I've lost weight. I've set goals for myself.

I'm on the right track; at least for today.