An Answer To A Prayer

On my drive to the bookstore that Monday, I started praying. I knew that the previous day's events had been a sign that my life had become unmanageable, and I knew that if I asked him to, God would finally lead me to the right book, the right program.

I walked back to the "Self Help" section, said one more prayer, and within a couple of minutes I had a copy of "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie in my hand. The subtitle read "How to stop controlling others and start caring for yourself."

I bought it.

That night when I began reading it, I knew within the first couple of pages I had been lead to the right book. The next few lines are paraphrased from the book's 'Introduction'.

In 1976, Ms. Beattie was a recovering addict and alcoholic. She had begun to work as a counselor in the chemical dependency field. Because she was a woman, and she had little seniority, she was assigned a job to organize support groups for the wives of addicts in the program.

She was not prepared for the task. She found these women to be hostile, controlling, manipulative, indirect, guilt producing, difficult to communicate with, and more. In her group she saw women who felt responsible for the entire world, but they refused to take responsibility for leading and living their own lives.

She saw people who constantly gave to others, but didn't know how to receive. She saw people give until they were angry, exhausted, and emptied of everything. These were women who were experts at taking care of everyone around them, yet doubted their ability to take care of themselves.

She saw mere shells of people, racing mindlessly from one activity to another. She saw people-pleasers, martyrs, stoics, tyrants, withering vines, and clinging vines.

Most of them were obsessed with other people. With great precision and detail, they could recite long lists of their addict's deeds and misdeeds: what he or she thought, felt, did and said; and what he or she didn't think, feel, do , and say. They knew exactly what the alcoholic or addict should and shouldn't do. And they wondered extensively why he or she did or didn't do it.

Yet these codependents who had such great insight into others couldn't see themselves. They didn't know what, if anything, they could do to solve their problems (if indeed, they had any problems--other than the alcoholics)!

Soon, she subscribed to two popular beliefs.
1. These crazy codependents (wives/significant others) are sicker than the alcoholics.
2. And, no wonder the alcoholic drinks; who wouldn't with a crazy spouse like that?!

Was I as bad as the people Melody Beattie described? Had I been so busy watching, analyzing , and attempting to control my husband and everyone else, that I'd lost control of myself? Was I "codependent", and what does that really mean, anyway?Could this be....me?

I looked down at my out of shape, overweight body. I replayed the "unfortunate deck incident" and a thousand others just like it over again in my mind.

Oh, I've definitely found the right book.