It's no secret I've been really depressed and pretty hard on myself for awhile now. Ever since my birthday I've felt like I could spontaneously burst into tears at any given time.
On my birthday, Scarlett came by to spend a couple of hours with me and brought me a wonderful gift. Madison made a quick drive-by and gave me a Happy Birthday hug. Pinkie gave me the "Love Dare" book I've been wanting, and I got some great gifts from Kitty. I got dozens of well wishes on Facebook. Later that day a former employee of mine from years ago sent me the most touching email. She told me how many lives I'd touched and how special I was. I felt like George Bailey in "It's A Wonderful Life". But I still felt sad; like something was missing.
Today I was having a talk with Sally, and being the wise person she is, she pointed out something very interesting. She told me that even though I have many wonderful friends who think the world of me, I seem to focus most of my attention on two very powerful people who never, ever seem to be satisfied. These, she pointed out, are the only people who's approval actually seems important to me, and because it seems increasingly impossible for these people to ever be content, I view this somehow as failure on my part. Maybe if I just try harder...?
What Sally pointed out to me today is classic codependence. I get just enough adoration from these people to keep me reeled in and coming back for more. They tell me how wonderful I am, how much they love me, and then WHAM! I'm likely to get a jab in the gut. Not in the physical sense, but with insults and words that cut me down to the core. Most times, I never see it coming. I know they both love me very much, but why I continue to let their mood swings and increasing discontentment get to me so damn much...I don't know.
I'm tired, dear readers. I'm tired of everything.
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