Monday, December 7, 2009

Unhealthy Family Behavior, Part One

Codependence doesn't just happen overnight. The way we are raised plays a major role. Later, throw in a couple of unstable friends, lovers, and family members, and our relationships fuel what's already been planted in us, and the unhealthy behavior grows from there.

Conversation with my father earlier this evening:

Dad: Your son did alright on his Social Studies test.
Me: Really? It looks like he got a "D".
Dad: What do you mean? I saw a "B".
Me: That "B" is something else. It's the answer to the sample question at the top of the page. He got a 64. There's no letter grade, but I'm thinking that's a "D".
Dad: He studied so hard. I can't believe this.
Me: Well, he's been having a lot of trouble staying focused in class. We're working on it. I just spoke with his teacher on the phone today.
Dad: I'm blaming you.
Me: What?? Me???
Dad: Yes. You're his mother, I'm blaming you for this. You shouldn't let him go skating every weekend. He needs to be home studying. There's no one else to blame but you!
Me: Yes....there is. You need to blame your grandson. He's the one who got the bad grade. He's responsible for his own actions.

Two hours later my Dad called to apologize. He said he should have never blamed me for my son's grade and he felt really bad about it. I told him not to worry, I knew all along it wasn't my fault, it was my son's fault.

Believe it or not, Dad and I have both come a long way. In years past he would not have called to apologize, and I would have agreed it was my fault because I believed I was responsible for everything and everyone around me. Many, MANY times growing up I heard him say similar things to my mother when I did something wrong: "You're too easy on that girl, you spoil her", when in reality it was me that made the bad decision, not my poor mother.

Like my mother, I've taken responsibility for other people's actions for a very long time. I guess I felt it was my duty. At times I've felt like everything in the world was my responsibility. I see now I was conditioned to be that way. Am I going to let the "D" slide by with no consequences or a plan of action? Of course not. But I'm making some real progress in my own journey, and I'm doing better all the time. My 79 year old Dad is even making progress, so I guess we're never too old to grow.

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