My friend Sally had a rather bothersome codependent moment over the weekend. We've talked about it and Sally said I had full permission to write about it in Detach. Let's take a look.
Sally has been divorced for a few years now. She has two grade school aged children with her ex-husband. We won't spend too much time focusing on him, except to say he's had a long history with addiction; alcohol and amphetamines. Like most addicts, this addiction has caused him to make some really bad choices in life. Like most women who are married to addicts, Sally became quite codependent, with a strong urge to control things. We've studied this so we all know why.....for years, Sally had to be the exclusive caregiver of the children. They had no contact or support from their father. She made all decisions and paid all the bills because she had to. If anything at all were to get done, Sally had to do it.
I am happy to report that the ex-husband has now been sober for a couple of years, and therefore has inched his way back into the children's lives. Immediately in to his recovery he got remarried; then divorced. Very soon after the divorce he started dating a new woman. That brings us up to this past weekend when he told Sally he and the new girlfriend planned to get married. While he's known this new girlfriend for awhile they've only been dating a few weeks.
Naturally, Sally is very worried that the revolving door of wives is going to have a negative impact on her children. They were very hurt when he divorced his last wife. Sally has met this new girlfriend and while she seems nice enough, Sally feels an overwhelming need to step in and tell her ex "NO! You can't get married again, it's a stupid idea!" Since she has full custody of the children it's very tempting to pull a trump card and tell him he can't see the children if he goes through with this. Of course this would be detramental to everyone, especially the children.
I don't know the right answer here. I'm not sure there is one. The only thing I do know for sure is that we have learned that no matter how hard she tries, Sally can not control her ex-husband. She will not stop him from doing what he wants to do. My opinion is that as long as her ex is sober and the children are safe, she should step back and continue to let them visit their dad. If he hurts them by pushing and pulling another person in and out of their lives IT'S NOT SALLY'S FAULT! The children are getting old enough to make their own decisions about their father and in time that's exactly what they will do. In the meantime she will not be seen by them as manipulative or as the person who prevented them from seeing their dad.
It sucks big time Sally, but I vote you let this one go. Keep a watchful eye, but let this one go. We'll definitely update this situation in the future.
Sally has been divorced for a few years now. She has two grade school aged children with her ex-husband. We won't spend too much time focusing on him, except to say he's had a long history with addiction; alcohol and amphetamines. Like most addicts, this addiction has caused him to make some really bad choices in life. Like most women who are married to addicts, Sally became quite codependent, with a strong urge to control things. We've studied this so we all know why.....for years, Sally had to be the exclusive caregiver of the children. They had no contact or support from their father. She made all decisions and paid all the bills because she had to. If anything at all were to get done, Sally had to do it.
I am happy to report that the ex-husband has now been sober for a couple of years, and therefore has inched his way back into the children's lives. Immediately in to his recovery he got remarried; then divorced. Very soon after the divorce he started dating a new woman. That brings us up to this past weekend when he told Sally he and the new girlfriend planned to get married. While he's known this new girlfriend for awhile they've only been dating a few weeks.
Naturally, Sally is very worried that the revolving door of wives is going to have a negative impact on her children. They were very hurt when he divorced his last wife. Sally has met this new girlfriend and while she seems nice enough, Sally feels an overwhelming need to step in and tell her ex "NO! You can't get married again, it's a stupid idea!" Since she has full custody of the children it's very tempting to pull a trump card and tell him he can't see the children if he goes through with this. Of course this would be detramental to everyone, especially the children.
I don't know the right answer here. I'm not sure there is one. The only thing I do know for sure is that we have learned that no matter how hard she tries, Sally can not control her ex-husband. She will not stop him from doing what he wants to do. My opinion is that as long as her ex is sober and the children are safe, she should step back and continue to let them visit their dad. If he hurts them by pushing and pulling another person in and out of their lives IT'S NOT SALLY'S FAULT! The children are getting old enough to make their own decisions about their father and in time that's exactly what they will do. In the meantime she will not be seen by them as manipulative or as the person who prevented them from seeing their dad.
It sucks big time Sally, but I vote you let this one go. Keep a watchful eye, but let this one go. We'll definitely update this situation in the future.
2 comments:
I agree with Mary 100%. Sally should try her best to let this one go...as long as the kids are safe. As you said, they are getting old enough to form their opinions and make their own decisions and I truly believe that most kids have a gift and are very acutely and innocently perceptive of adults. I guess as we get older, we lose a lot of that perception, hence some of our bad decisions and friend/lover choices. I have no children so what do I know? I imagine it's extremely difficult to watch your children make mistakes and get hurt. Hey, does that mean that most parents are co-dependent by nature because they control their children? Just kidding. I'm rambling...thanks for letting me do that. One more related short story and I'll quit. My Sister-in-law (SIL) has a teenage son. He lives with her. My SIL and her Ex share custody. The Ex has a long-time live-in girlfriend whom seems to get along swimmingly with the son. Her wealthy family lives in another state. The economy has dramatically changed the Ex's job and the girlfriend's family has offered him a job in the other state that sounds very appealing. They've told the son that he can come live with them if he wants to. Of course this sounds exciting and new for the teenager. The SIL is most definitely against it and has said that she will take him to court and get full custody....WHATEVER IT TAKES TO PREVENT THIS MOVE!!!! To me, that is selfish. Geez, the kid is a teenager and more than old enough to make that decision on his own. I'm sure that it will be like pulling my SIL's heart out if the son leaves but I think that she just needs to leave the door open for him to come back. I'd be real curious to know what others think of this. Like I said, since I have no children, maybe that makes it easy for me to feel this way. If the kid was a lot younger, that would be a totally different story. Peace out....
You ask a good question. Nurturing and healthy caregiving are very different from controlling and codependence, but they can sometimes grow into something unhealthy if an addict or other circumstances are thrown in the mix. Without knowing the whole story it's hard to say what the SIL is feeling.
Thanks Mystical! Good story. Keep us posted.
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