A Line In The Sand

Tonight I've been reading about boundaries. As expected, most codependents don't have them.

Boundaries are limits that say: "This is how far I will go. This is what I will or won't do for you. This is what I won't tolerate from you."

Alcoholism and other compulsive disorders laugh in the face of limits. The diseases not only push on our boundaries, they step boldly across them. Each time the disease pushes or steps across our limits we give in. We move our boundaries back, giving the disease more room to work. As the disease pushes more, we give in more until we are tolerating things we said we would never tolerate and doing things we said we would never do.

Sometimes it is necessary to set a certain boundary that applies to a particular relationship, such as, "I won't baby-sit Mary Lou's children anymore, because I don't want to, and she takes advantage of me in that area."

Set boundaries, but make sure they're our boundaries. The things we're sick of, can't stand, and make threats about, may be clues to some boundaries we need to set. They may also be clues to changes we need to make within ourselves. Mean what we say, and say what we mean. -From "Codependent No More"

A couple of years ago I finally established a set of my own personal boundaries. Lines in the sand that must not be crossed. I like to think I'm strong enough now to enforce them, but fortunately, I've not been tested much.

It's pretty simple to think of a long list of boundaries when you live with an alcoholic. It's much trickier when you realize you need to establish them with other people in your life, but I'm seeing now those boundaries are just as important.

As with all codependents, it's very easy for people to expect things from me and when I don't fulfill their expectations, it pisses them off. This has happened more than I like in the past few weeks and it's really starting to annoy me. It would be different if I promised things and then didn't deliver, but when people tell me what they expect from me and then get disappointed when I don't do what they want, it makes them and me crazy.

Setting boundaries is closely tied in with saying "no", and we codependents don't like to say that word. After all, if we say no, people might not like us! This is an area where I need some major work.

I realized tonight that not saying it is costing me my sanity.