Ouch

Something very strange happened to me this morning. I poured my coffee, and with cobwebs still in my eyes, headed to the computer to pay some bills, write the previous journal entry, and check Facebook.

When I brought up the Facebook "News Feed", the very first entry that popped up was "Mike Brown is in a relationship". Now if you'll remember back to some old journal entries, Mike Brown is the boy who grew up across the street from me. The boy with the infamous black Mustang that I loved from afar my entire adolescence.

Mike Brown got married young. His wife was (and still is) an alcoholic. He couldn't take it anymore, and divorced her several years ago.

So when I saw those words "Mike Brown is in a relationship", I just sat here with my coffee and stared at the screen like some sort of idiot. I don't know why. I'm middle aged and married, and I don't have any intentions of being single again, but for some reason I just kept sitting here, staring at those words.

I think it's kind of like when your favorite singer or movie star gets married. You know it's completely unrealistic for you to ever be together, but you feel put out anyway. I remember feeling this exact same way when Fonzie was dating that bitch Pinkie Tuscadero.

When I was little, I always dreamed that one day I'd be Mrs. Mike Brown. In fact, that was the title of a journal entry of mine (August 1, 2009). I've always known that this will never be, but reading those words this morning pulled at a little girl's heartsrings anyway.

Old Habits Die Hard

One of my friends has a family member who is struggling with a serious and potentially life threatening alcohol addiction. The family member has been sober a couple of times in recent months, but the demon currently consumes them. My friend told me that this family member gets drunk and constantly calls her on the phone; AA calls this drunk dialing.

So yesterday I was talking with my friend and before I knew what happened, these words came out of my codependent mouth; "So what are you going to do about Pat?".

Unbelievable.

After two years of writing a journal about codependence, something inside me still thinks someone else can "fix" an alcoholic. Something clicked as the words were coming out of my mouth, but out they flowed anyway.

I obviously still have a lot of work to do.

Be Careful With That!!!

Did you ever think about what will happen to all your stuff when you die? All the photographs that meant so much to you, all the greeting cards that made you laugh or made you cry, all the love notes you tucked away into a heart shaped Russell Stover box? What will they do with your favorite, soft robe? Who's going to sift through all your things; your sock drawer, your underwear drawer? Who's going to find those items you bought at last year's Fantasy Party??? Maybe it will be your kids or your spouse. Maybe it will be your friends or your parents. Maybe it will be strangers.

I guess it's going to happen to all of us one day. It's just inevitable. When my time comes, I hope it's someone I love who goes through my things, and I hope it won't be too big of a chore for them. I hope they find a trinket or two they may want to keep to remember me by. Maybe they will treasure my concert ticket collection as much as I did. And I hope that when I go, I leave behind something more than just my "stuff". I hope I was able to impact some people's lives for the better along the way. I hope I made people see things a little differently once in awhile, and I hope that somehow, some way, I made a difference.

My Mom

My mom became a grandmother when she was 36 years old. She was 18 when she had my older sister, and my sister was 18 when she had her daughter. I was still pretty young when all this happened, only 7 years old. We watched my niece a lot. She spent a lot of weekends with us. I remember when my mom would take my niece out someplace, she would always brag because people thought the baby was hers. My mom was very pretty in those days, and took a lot of pride in the way she looked. She was so proud of the fact that people told her she looked way too young to be a grandmother.

Your Attention, Please

Scarlet says God always knows how to get our attention. Well somebody got mine today. I've worked with Jenie for about 13 years. She's 4 years older than me, same height, and has a similar build. Jenie is going through a divorce. Since the process began, she's lost a decent amount of weight; about twenty pounds. Today she was telling me how she went on a shopping spree to buy new clothes, two sizes smaller. I told her how great she looked, then as I turned to walk away Jenie said "You can have all my old "big" clothes if you want them".

I was devastated.

Maybe that was the kick in the pants I needed.

Who's Your Inner Critic?

We all do it. Say something wrong or make a mistake. Make a bad call or say something we shouldn't have said. Then, it happens. We replay the scene over and over in our heads until we succeed at beating the shit out of ourselves. We punish ourselves much harder than anyone else would punish us. Why do we do that? Dr. Eve says it's our Inner Critics.

It is believed we each possess seven Inner Critics. When you go inside and actually get to know an Inner Critic part, it’s surprising to learn that it is actually trying to help you (even though it is really causing trouble). This makes it possible to make a personal connection with a Critic rather than fighting it, and this helps it to let go of its judgments.

Dr. Eve suggested a website with a questionairre that helps us identify which critics may be causing us problems. If you're interested in taking the quiz, and learning more about your Inner Critics, here's the website:

http://www.psychemaps.com/Default.aspx

Having A Hard Time Losing My Quit

I had the pleasure of meeting Biggest Loser Season 8 Winner, Danny Cahill a few weeks ago, and he told us all to "Lose Our Quit". But I can't seem to Lose My Quit. I haven't had the inspiration to write in my journal, I haven't had the desire to eat properly, and I certainly haven't felt like exercising.

I keep thinking I need to have other people around me who are on track, but Sara is on track and so is Scarlet. That's not helping either.

I wore my black wrist band that says "Lose Your Quit", but that didn't work. Then today I spent a few hours in the hospital waiting room, which always seems to be inundated with unhealthy, overweight people. Today was no exception. But even though I noticed it, I still walked away with my "Quit" completely in tact.

Maybe I need to print out the photo of Danny Cahill and myself. That might give me a little motivation.