Word of the Day

The Word of the Day, boys and girls is:

Addictive

Addictive behaviors are more dangerous than compulsive ones. "Addictive" refers to behaviors that are out of control and causing negative consequences in our lives, but that we persist in anyway. Addictive behaviors are usually engaged in to get high or get numb. We can be addicted to a substance, such as alcohol or drugs, or to a behavior, such as eating or gambling.

In the past couple of weeks, two different friends of mine returned to smoking, after they seemed to have it licked. One of them hadn't smoked in three years. One or both cited stress at work and at home, and the stress of the power being out for so many days.

Yesterday after a particularly stressful visit to the doctor and a massive East End traffic jam, I decided I deserved a visit to the Wendy's drive-thru, which included an order of french fries; something I rarely ever eat. I knew they would make me sick (they did), but I ate them anyway because somehow I jusitified that I deserved them.

There is a cake in the house right now and it doesn't seem to be tempting anyone but me. I look at it every time I go in the kitchen. The other people in the house who could eat it don't seem to care a thing about it. I'll probably have to throw some of it out.

I guess it's a good thing we're not all addicted to the same thing, and I'm not sure what leads us to that "one thing" that keeps luring us in like a moth to a flame. I hate cigarettes; obviously mine is food. For some it's alcohol or gambling or sex or pills or, as Sally pointed out even caffeine. Personally, I can't imagine being addicted to caffeine, it makes my chest hurt and my heart race.

Whatever the vice, if it is harmful to us or others, we must constantly be aware of it and continually work to keep it at bay. We have to be stronger than our temptation. Short term goals help, as does the tried-and-true AA approach.....I won't drink (or overeat) just for today.

A Riddle For My Readers

This is a true story; although I know exactly what I'm obsessing about...lol.

After dinner Saturday night, someone in my house splattered a dab of spaghetti sauce on the floor next to the garbage can.

I kept meaning to go wipe it up but I kept forgetting, or maybe I just kept putting it off (you all know I don't have time to be a good housekeeper).....anyway every time I threw something into the garbage over the weekend I saw it.

So you know those ink blots psychiatrists make you look at to see what's going on inside your head? Your eye turns them into objects or designs and the psychiatrist can tell what you may be thinking (or even obsessing) about from your interpretation of the ink blots. Well, every time I looked at the splat of spaghetti sauce on the floor I saw a spider. It was as clear as a bell--definitely a spider.

Now why would I be seeing a spider in the spaghetti sauce splat???

Catchy Phrases Decoded

Let's talk today about

owning our power

Our power is our ability to take responsibility for ourselves-to think, feel, solve problems, and find our direction. Our power lies in speaking our truth, setting appropriate boundaries, refusing to tolerate abuse or mistreatment, and sometimes, being vulnerable. Our power means discerning what is real and right for us. Owning our power does not mean controlling others or having power over them. It doesn't mean allowing others to control us. It doesn't mean reacting to others out of fear or a need to manage them. it means finding that centered place within us and acting from that place.

-Codependent's Guide To The Twelve Steps

One of the hardest concepts to me is that letting go of power often gives you more power. The harder I try to control, the less control I actually have. We just have to find that perfect mix of letting go while not compromising the boundaries we have set and not allowing others to control us.

Sure sounds easy, doesn't it?

Mary's MILFs

It's been a serious few weeks.

We've been diligently studying the Twelve Steps and I for one, am tired. There have been layoffs and office closings at work. My good friend Jay lost his job. My mom's brother died. My best friend had a car wreck. The city was paralyzed from an ice storm and many of us were without power for days.

I really think it's time to kick back with some mindless fun. It's time for a Mary's MILF.

Not all Mary's MILFs are from the

past. Bad boy Josh Todd, the lead singer of the band Buckcherry is not a particularly good looking man but something about him makes me feel all funny.

There's not much he could do to a girl that he couldn't fix (at least temporarily) by singing her the song "Sorry".

"I'm sorry I'm bad
I'm sorry you're blue
I'm sorry 'bout all the things I said to you
and I knowI can't take it back."

He's got the classic long thin frame that I always seem to gravitate to. He's smothered in tattoos, and I'm not ashamed to say I can not stop staring at that belt buckle.

I'd be trying to fix something about him within the first week, but man what a week it would be until then!

Step Twelve

Step Twelve:

"Having had a spiritual awakening as a result of these Steps, we tried to carry this message to other codependents, and to practice these principals in all our affairs."

How do we share this message? Not by rescuing. Not by controlling. Not by obsessing.

We carry this message in subtle but powerful ways: by doing our own recovery work and becoming a living demonstration of hope, self-love, self-nurturing, and health. Learning to remove ourselves as victims, take care of ourselves, and walk our own path is a powerful message.

-Codependent's Guide To The Twelve Steps

I'm slowly learning to work the Steps. Writing this mini-series has helped me become more familiar with them and what they mean to me. Some Steps are coming easier than others. I'm trying hard to focus on myself, not on others. I believe I'm portraying myself less as a victim to other people.

Writing this journal is helping me stay focused and may be my contribution to Step Twelve.

Step Eleven

Step Eleven:

"Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood God, praying only for knowledge of God's will for us and the power to carry that out."

Of all the relationships we are learning to rebuild in our recovery from codependency, our relationships with ourselves and with our Higher Power are the most important ones. This Step tells us how to do that. We pray and meditate to improve our connection with God and ourselves.

How many times have we begged God for something, gotten furious because we didn't get it, then felt so grateful a year later when God's agenda worked so much better than our own? We don't always know what's best for us. We can pray for things big and small, but we should always pray for God's will to be done; even if we don't understand it at the time.

Praying is how we keep ourselves-our souls-connected to God. It is where change begins.

-Adapted from "Codependent's Guide To The Twelve Steps"

My friend Sally and I have talked about prayer a lot since I've been writing this journal, and we are amazed at the results in our lives. You don't have to be a certain religion to pray. You don't have to pray a certain way. Just talk to God and be who you are. When you meditate God will talk to you. It's very simple.

"Thy will be done."

Step Ten

Step Ten:

"Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong, promptly admitted it."

I can not stand to be in trouble. I worry incessantly just thinking I'm in trouble. I'm 45 years old and I still cannot bear to think I've disappointed my Dad....or my husband....my children.....Scarlett......anyone! Sadly, I see this same codependent trait in my nine year old daughter. Even at her grown up "tween" age, she'll sit and cry if she thinks I'm angry with her. We'll be working on that....

Part of taking this Step means that I can give an apology or accept an apology and then move on. I don't have to punish others for their wrongs, I don't have to punish myself for wrongs. I just need to acknowledge my mistakes, learn from them and move on.

I still enjoy looking at the daily checklist I posted in this journal a few weeks ago. It's a great way to take a daily personal inventory.