In my journal entry dated April 26, 2012, titled "My Prayer", I was low. I was confused. I was in such a turmoil. What a difference a few weeks makes! I know now that the biggest factor causing this confusion, was unfinished business I needed to attend to with my husband. Words I wanted and needed to say to him, thoughts I needed to express, that were bottled up in me like an agitated bottle of champagne, ready to blow at any moment.
Since our talk a few weeks ago, I have felt like the weight of the world has been lifted from my shoulders. This freedom has allowed me to think more clearly in other aspects of my life as well. In fact, I feel like I'm able to think clearly about just about everything right now. When something is weighing that heavily on your heart and your mind, it consumes you. Well, it consumes me anyway. I was so focused on it that I was having distorted thinking about everything else.
Being married to an alcoholic is damn hard. It's the reason I started writing this journal. A lot of really, really bad things have happened to us both as a result of this disease. A lot of bad decisions, a lot of tears, a lot of resentment, a lot of anger, and a lot of things that I now realize, just can not be taken back or fixed. I made the decision to stay in this marriage for the past 20 years, thinking I could fix it. I know now, all I could do was hold on for dear life and ride out the waves as best as I could. I don't regret that decision. My husband is a wonderful father and a good provider. There have been good times too. But over time, all that water under the bridge changes things. It changes the dynamic of the relationship. It changes people's feelings. An acknowledgement of that fact, and freedom to move forward with my life was what I needed. I feel like I finally figured out, then actually practiced "accepting the things I cannot change, and changing the things I could".
Kate is ready to start weaning me from frequent counseling sessions. I'm going to start seeing her once a month for awhile, and then maybe every 3 months, just to keep myself focused and on track. I don't want to slip back into old ways of thinking; particularly if something happens that is out of my control, or upsetting to me. Breaking away from Kate is scary to me, but I feel I'm ready to let go a little.
So on this Father's Day morning, I am happy. I feel light. I feel hopeful, and I'm very thankful for my family. I'm thankful for my own father, and I'm thankful for my husband, who has given me the two most beautiful children I could ever imagine, and been such a wonderful father to them.
A codependent person is one who has let another person's behavior affect him or her, and who is obsessed with controlling that person's behavior.
The following two "Detach" journal entries will give you a crash course:
"An Answer to a Prayer" dated Nov 1, 2008 "How Did We Wind Up Here?" dated Nov 2, 2008
About This Journal
In 2008 I had the life changing realization that there was a name for what I'd always felt was "wrong" with me. After 20 years of thumbing through various self-help books. I learned about codependence.
I began writing this journal to document my journey out. Over time, it's evolved into something more. While I still talk about codependence (I know now, it will never totally leave me), this blog has turned into the thumbprint of my life; a therapeutic journal for me to sort out a lifetime of thoughts and memories. I believe in being honest with myself and others, and when something is bothering me, I reach out. With a support team of strong, smart women surrounding us, we can all continue to grow. I'm trying to live my best life, in pursuit of a Healthy Mind, a Healthy Body.