I'm now well in to Week Two of my annual fall vacation. I can't remember the last time I felt so relaxed and so.....what's the word I'm searching for?.......light. Kinda like when you've been outside in the summer heat all day and you are tired, dirty, and sweaty, then you have a nice cool shower and wash away all the dirt and grime, and step out feeling fresh and rejuvenated. That's how I feel.
I began the vacation by having someone clean my house. Major stress now eliminated. I had a little party for my staff at work. We were all happy, had good food and drink, and sat by the fire outside in the cool autumn evening. More stress eliminated. The next few days would be a little shopping, a hair cut, some naps curled up with the cats, getting my nails done, and the Restylane treatment. Stress is whooshing away now.
But the biggest stress reliever of all came last Friday when I was able to carefully and successfully have a conversation with someone. Something that I'd been building up, but didn't have the courage to execute. Ideas that were born from months of counseling, from a week of spending relaxed time alone with no television or other distractions, and from a great deal of soul searching. Suddenly I felt like a weight was lifted from my shoulders. Like I was free of the burden that had been crippling me since about June. The burden that possibly came over me that last night at the beach when I left South Florida.
With my new found emancipation, I headed to the airport on Saturday morning, and ironically boarded a plane, back to South Florida to visit Kitty and her husband. Four days and three nights of the beach, the pool, the farmer's market, and lovely food and drink. Four days and three nights of pure relaxation with no obligations and no demands on me. I left my phone down in my room while I was there--only checking it once or twice a day. No texting, no constant contact with the world. Just me, getting inside my own head, enjoying my liberation, and being with two people I love very much. Remainder of stress......poof.....gone.
Kitty told me I seemed like a different person from when I was there 4 months ago. I seemed confident and happy for the first time in awhile. She said I got my groove back. And it's funny--that's how I felt too. Insecurity, jealousy, codependence, constant worry about what everyone else is doing or thinking, all vanished. I was thinking about me, in that moment. Enjoying life and getting in touch with myself. No one else....just me.
I thank Kitty and her husband for lending me their home, giving me space and privacy, and putting absolutely no demands on me. They are most gracious hosts. This time when I left; no tears. Only happiness. I thank Kate for the months of counseling that taught me I wasn't crazy; I just have distorted thinking. She is helping me work out so many tangled ropes in my life. But mostly I'm thankful that I got up the nerve to say my peace. Thankful for the words that flowed out so perfectly. Thankful that I got my point across clearly and loudly.
I still have 4 more days of vacation before I return to the hectic, daily grind next Tuesday. I want to stay in this place. I want to keep working on myself. I don't really know what crossed over in me, other than the fact that I was able to stand still for more than three minutes, organize my thoughts, then articulate them. Something I waited way too long to do.
8 hours ago