Sunday, September 18, 2011

Sunday Reflections

When you have a codependent personality, your world often revolves around other people. There are times when you find your independence and can fly strong and on your own for awhile, but that's often short lived and you find yourself back in the rut of letting other people's behavior control your happiness. When they are attentive to you and things are going your way, it can be the happiest, highest feeling imaginable. But when they are not giving you what you want or need, it's the lowest of low. The loneliest feeling in the world.

I live on this roller coaster every day. I rarely have control over my own happiness, because I allow my happiness to hinge on the behavior of others. Usually those people are unreliable and unpredictable, thus so is my happiness.It's been nearly three years since I started writing about this subject. Three years of trying to find my independence. Three years, three different therapists. Three years of piecing together how I got to this point. Three years of understanding the patterns I keep repeating and the affects they have on me. Three years and I'm really no better than I was when I started.

My current therapist, Kate tells me that there's really not much she can tell me that I don't already know. I completely understand codependence and how it has affected my life. I understand the unhealthy behaviors--often I see them coming. Rarely do I dodge the bullet. I get it. I really do. But after three years, I still don't seem to be able to stop it.

I'll never give up trying. At least I don't think I will. I've got a lot of reflective time coming up this fall. I have a two and a half week vacation from work, and will spend four days of that time with Kitty at her place in South Florida. Shortly after that, my husband will go down there for a week. I love the fall. It's by far my favorite time of year, and the time I feel most alive. I'm hoping the alone time will help me with my independence. I think the time apart will do us all good.

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