I'm not feeling so well today. Having a bad codependent day. I'm not even sure it's codependence. Alcohol was involved, but I don't really know how you'd label this. All I know is that through a series of events that happened in the blink of an eye, I was humiliated beyond my wildest dreams last night.
I've played the scene over and over and over in my head and in retrospect I guess I should have known better than to put myself in the situation. But now the damage is done and I really don't know how to undo it. I'm not sure if it's possible to undo it.
This is one of those times that I wish I could just rewind and do over. But there are no do-overs in life and I've got to deal with what happened. Right now I'm trying to find the lesson learned, or the "good" in what happened, but I'm having a lot of trouble with that. The only thing that's going to make me feel better is seeing the people involved and talking it out with them. Trust me, that's going to be enormously awkward.
Right now running away sounds like a better idea, but I guess I can't do that.
A codependent person is one who has let another person's behavior affect him or her, and who is obsessed with controlling that person's behavior.
The following two "Detach" journal entries will give you a crash course:
"An Answer to a Prayer" dated Nov 1, 2008 "How Did We Wind Up Here?" dated Nov 2, 2008
About This Journal
In 2008 I had the life changing realization that there was a name for what I'd always felt was "wrong" with me. After 20 years of thumbing through various self-help books. I learned about codependence.
I began writing this journal to document my journey out. Over time, it's evolved into something more. While I still talk about codependence (I know now, it will never totally leave me), this blog has turned into the thumbprint of my life; a therapeutic journal for me to sort out a lifetime of thoughts and memories. I believe in being honest with myself and others, and when something is bothering me, I reach out. With a support team of strong, smart women surrounding us, we can all continue to grow. I'm trying to live my best life, in pursuit of a Healthy Mind, a Healthy Body.