Mary's MILFs

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If At First You Don't Succeed

As I stated in yesterday's entry, my first experience with professional counseling was not a good one.

I'm glad I didn't give up and stop there. I finally found the right fit a few years later and spent a year and a half learning all about myself with a wonderful Christian counselor.

We don't have to give up our power to think, feel, and make good decisions to anyone-including someone with a Ph.D after his or her name.

Therapists are like new shoes. You may have to try on a few uncomfortable pairs before you find the ones that fit just right!

My Ex-Husband

About 3 years into our marriage I started suspecting David was cheating on me, which of course he adamantly denied, making 22 year old me think I was crazy and paranoid. I don't remember how it all came about, but we finally decided to see a marriage counselor.

This was my first experience with any type of counseling and I wasn't sure what to expect. We went in and met the guy and started telling him about our problems. Let me rephrase.....MY problem. The counselor then asked me to leave the room. A few minutes later David came out and I was asked to go in alone. The counselor said "I just asked him to tell me the truth and he says he is not having an affair. You are going to have to find a way to get past this. Now, David is wanting to go to King's Island for the weekend with a couple of his buddies from work. I think it would be good for you to let him do this to build trust."

Well, if the Christian counselor says so, I guess that's what I should do!

Kings Island is a large amusement park located in Cincinnati, OH which is about 100 miles from our home. At the time my place of employment sold discount tickets to the park so I went in to work, used my employee discount to get the best possible price, and bought two tickets. I also booked a hotel room close and convenient to the park so they wouldn't have far to go after a long, hard day of riding roller coasters. I only got two tickets and one room because the other guys that were going already had their tickets and reservations.

I felt a lot better. I was doing what the counselor suggested. I was abandoning my gut instinct and trusting. I was being a good wife.

Of course I later found out there weren't any other "guys". David and his girlfriend (at the time) used the tickets and the room and had a romantic weekend together. Oh, did I mention I paid for the tickets?

Reader's Poll

So tonight I was watching a show about stress and how it ages your body--inside and out. It wasn't pretty.

One of the suggestions they mentioned to relieve stress was to practice yoga. I don't know much about yoga, but I'm intrigued. I'm not a patient person so the biggest draw for me was "instant results".

Awhile back I bought a DVD about Pilates but it looked to hard and I never did it. Can anyone offer any advice about yoga?

Thought For The Day

Why am I having such a hard time staying focused on my own life and my own goals? It sounds so incredibly simple, but this is not coming to me easily. I've been doing a good job taking care of myself, but I can't seem to stay there very long. I can't seem to stop obsessing about other people's behavior. I just can't turn it off!


I will try harder tomorrow.

Catchy Phrases Decoded

"Live and Let Live"

is a Twelve Step program slogan.

It's so very easy to blame our problems on others. But after we've detached and taken our grip off the people around us, what's left? Each of us is left with ourselves.

Melody Beattie writes "The surest way to make ourselves crazy is to get involved in other people's business, and the quickest way to become sane and happy is to tend to our own affairs".

I love that thought. I really, really do.

"It's all about me" isn't a bad thing. Learn to live your own life. Live and Let Live.

It's All About Me

Look, we all know I have problems with anxiety. No secret. I honestly could not count the times I have visited a medical doctor for some type of physical condition and been told this condition was directly related to stress. The first time I recall this happening was during my first marriage. That's when I got my first prescription for Xanax. The next time I recall was after my divorce when I went through a nasty breakup with someone I was dating. All ten of my fingers went numb. I was sure I had Multiple Sclerosis. The doctor diagnosed it as stress. Later I went through a bout of my hair falling out. Seriously falling out. Once again; stress. Next it was a series of digestive problems. This one actually turned out to be a combination of stress and a failing gall bladder. Next was a series of migraines. Next, chest pains. I was sure I was gearing up for a heart attack. All stress related.

Yesterday I had a lengthy visit with a neurologist to discuss the latest round of physical ailments I've been having. My ears ring constantly; quite loudly. I've been having balance problems. I flake out and forget things. I have blurred vision. The top of my head and both my temples go numb and tingle. My eye twitches. I have strange headaches. Due to my mother's history with brain aneurysms the doctor is running some tests on me for good measure, but feels confident these are a form of migraines, you guessed it....brought on by stress.

Don't get my wrong; I'm not saying these problems are something I made up, or something in my head. They are true physical ailments triggered by anxiety and stress.

I've been true to my recent pledge to review my checklist and concentrate more on myself but I'm fixin' to step it up a notch. I can't control the factors that cause me stress. They are too numerous to name, but the ones causing me the most stress lately have been work related. I'm going to work at being proactive instead of reactive. During my upcoming week's vacation I may even get a massage. I'm about to kick my healthier eating and exercise up a notch, and I'm going to abstain from alcohol for a month. I may even speak my mind about a few pesky things I've been bottling. I just need to cleanse my body and my mind.

So for the next four weeks, that's exactly what I'm going to do.

Art Imitates Life

I love all the Desperate Housewives, but my favorite has always been Bree.

Bree is very much a modern day Mary Bailey. She’s perfect in every way. Her house is always perfect, her meals are always perfect, her appearance is always perfect. When someone in her family has a crisis, Bree does whatever it takes to “fix” the problem. Of course Bree’s family crises are usually much more scandalous than Mary Bailey’s, but hey…it’s 2009.

Like all the characters on the show, Bree has had her share of drama, dysfunction, and even addiction. That, mixed with her strong need to be perfect makes for a delicious recipe of controlling, codependent behavior.

So how funny it was on Sunday night’s episode when Bree’s husband Orson explains his kleptomania to his therapist. For the past few episodes, Orson has been taking little odds and ends things from people’s homes. Bree found out about it and was livid. Of course she felt it was her responsibility to fix the problem by returning all of the stolen items to the proper owners. She then advised Orson this behavior must cease. Of course he agreed it would. Well, it didn’t. Orson got caught stealing something else from a neighbor so Bree carted him off to see a therapist.

When the session opened, Bree would not let Orson say a word to the therapist. She spoke for him every time, answering all questions. She then exited the session, instructing the therapist to “just fix him”!!!

After she left the room the therapist asked Orson why he was stealing. His response? (I said the first part out loud at the exact same time as Orson), “Because it’s the one thing she can’t control…and I LOVE it.”

Isn't it great when art imitates life?

This Inspired Me

Lil Rounds is a talented young woman with a beautiful voice, and a contestant on this season of American Idol. I hope she'll go far in the competition.

In Feb, 2008 Lil's home was destroyed by a tornado that ripped through Memphis, TN. She and her husband were forced to move their three children into an extended stay hotel.

On Tuesday night's episode Lil made a comment that has stuck with me all week.

"People saw I had one child, then two, and then three.

They said 'what are you talkin about, being a singer,

being away from your children?

You can just really, really let it go',

But the day you let go of your dreams is the day you let go of your life."

Thanks for the inspiration Lil. I've fully accepted the fact that it's time for me to move on career wise. If I'm patient enough I know the right opportunity will come along. There's something new and exciting out there for me; I'm just not positive I know what it is. I'm trusting I will know when the time is right. I won't let go.

A Sick Reward?

This morning Sally and I were having coffee chat in my office and we started talking about lying and cheating. I mentioned some doozie lies I'd been told over the years and we discussed how this has affected me forever. I've thought alot about that throughout the day today.

A couple of weeks ago I mentioned in a journal entry that I recently joined Facebook. I can't decide if I love it or hate it; it's a fine line. Anyway, early on I was forwarded an idea to write "25 Random Things About Me" which I did. One of the things I just had to include on my list was that I hate it when someone thinks I'm too stupid to figure out they have lied to me or are trying to pull something over on me.

Make no mistake... I'm often forgetful; particularly when it comes to my schedule. I've been known to double book or completely forget an appointment. Just tonight I had to reschedule my parent/teacher conference at Sylvan because I forgot about it and had made plans to meet Scarlett for coffee (the coffee date sounded alot more fun!).

So obviously I've had a lot of coffee today, but I have decided that one benefit to having a lying, cheating husband is that you develop a keen sense of when you are being lied to. Believe me when I say I've honed that skill to a fine art and can almost always tell when someone is "bending the truth" or out and out lying to me.

I guess there should be some kind of reward for all my suffering....?

Word of the Day

The Word of the Day is:

"Surrender"

This means to accept, give in, give up, and let our lives happen. It's a spiritual concept. It is also ironic in that many of us fight doing this but find ourselves feeling quite good once we do.

-Codependent's Guide to the Twelve Steps

Plotting A Strategy

Any successful coach or manager will tell you, you can't be successful at any goal without devising a strategy to help you get there. So for the past 24 hours I've been thinking how I'm going to work at my goal of not fortune telling or worrying about the Derby eight weeks before it comes. I think I've come up with a plan.

We learned early on in this blog that codependents much prefer to focus on the actions of others than themselves. Now is a great time for me to take a look in the mirror and focus on myself. Now that we have an extra hour of light in the evenings I'm going to start walking after work at least a couple of days a week. I'm also going to start concentrating on my eating habits and weight loss again. There's even a couple of other areas of my life that feel out of control. I'm going to give them some attention as well. I'm going to really focus on my daily checklist, and make sure I'm reviewing it every night. I'm going to the bookstore this week to see if I can find Melody Beattie's new book (the copy that was supposedly sent to me by her publicist never made it).

So focusing on these strategies will keep my mind focused where it should be: on the things I can actually control.

"God grant me the Serenity to

Accept the things I cannot change

Courage to change the things I can,

and Wisdom to know the difference."

Off And Running

It's going to be 77 degrees today. There's no avoiding it--Spring is definitely on the way. For me, that only means one thing.....dreading The Kentucky Derby.

Those who know me understand the Derby and I don't have that great of a friendship. My husband usually takes a week and a half off work to "enjoy" it. As with most addicts he has often taken it way too far. I remember a friend of mine used to say "why do you get so mad? It's one week to cut loose and have some fun!" But at our house it wasn't one week; it was three, maybe four. And it wasn't fun--not for me anyway. The only thing I could count on was drama, and plenty of it. Granted, the past two or three years have been a big improvement over years past, but still very unpredictable, and uncertain for me.

But I'm not writing this journal entry about my husband's past Derby Deeds. I'm writing it about me. Derby is huge in this town and people are already starting to talk about it. This typically sets my mood for the next several weeks. I start to dread, anticipate, and use my codependent fortune telling abilities to predict the future. This is not healthy for me or anyone around me.

So starting today I am committing to myself (and you guys) that I will not sit and obsess about something that is still eight weeks away. When I feel myself slipping into that place I will become aware of it and work on getting myself out.

This will be my first Derby since discovering and accepting my codependence issues. I can't promise I'm going to be hugely successful at this, but I can promise I will work on it.

Mary's MILFs

Dear Tommy Lee:

I've never written one of these letters before but I wanted to tell you I'm your #1 fan. I love your music and think you are a great performer; always the showman.

I think you are incredibly hot and you surround yourself with people who intrigue me. I adore Pam Anderson, and think (when you are together) the two of you make the sexiest couple alive.

I would love to thoroughly explore all your tattoos. Chocolate syrup would be involved.

There's just a couple of things though. I'm really concerned about the drinking. I've heard you get really mean and make bad decisions when you drink and I don't think it's good for you. I'm sure there are several AA groups right there in your area. Let's make a deal and say starting right now, no more Jager.

And speaking of not good for you; I am enclosing a box of Nicorette patches. You should really try to stop smoking.

If that doesn't work let me know, I've been doing in depth research for you and I've found an online smoking cessation program, I'll send you the link!

Love,

Mary