Caretaking

If you've known me longer than five minutes you've probably been given advice from me....whether you asked for it or not. It's the "Caretaking" part of codependency. Some days my office at work has a constant flow of phone callers and visitors seeking advice, or just a sounding board so they might think out loud.

I like it that way.

Melody Beattie has identified several Caretaking Characteristics of Codependents. I shortened the list to focus on the ones that fit me best, but then I realized many of the characteristics on the list apply to some of my closest friends. I added them too. See if any of them strike a nerve with you.

• Think and feel responsible for other people
• Feel compelled-almost forced-to help other people solve problems
• Wonder why others don't do the same for them
• Find themselves saying "yes" when they really mean "no"
• Feel sad because they spend their whole lives giving to other people and nobody gives to them
• Feel no one is truly grateful for the help you provide for them
• Find themselves attracted to needy people (see yesterday's journal entry)
• Find needy people attracted to them
• Over commit themselves
• Say other people make the codependents feel the way they do
• Believe other people are making them crazy
• Feel angry, victimized, unappreciated, and used
• Find other people become impatient or angry with them for all the preceding characteristics

Caretaking isn't all bad. The world needs nurturers. It's when we turn caretaking into obsession or when we let these feelings affect us in a negative way that we need to step back.

Accidentally On Purpose?

Some professionals believe codependency is no accident. They believe we seek out sick individuals because we need them around us to feel happy (in a sick and unhealthy way). That's an interesting theory that I have been pondering.

I've already told you I've fallen for the bad boys since I was a young girl, but did I do it because I was a glutton for punishment, or because it was the alluring opposite from my stable, sheltered Southern Baptist upbringing?

I knew my husband drank too much when I married him, but at the time I knew absolutely nothing about the disease of alcoholism (I n fact, I didn't truly know much about it until the last couple of years). We were in our twenties when we met, and just out having fun. I truly believed he would change once we got married. I thought he would "outgrow" his drinking. Well, he didn't.

I didn't purposely sign on for events of the next 13 years, but somehow I held on and weathered them. Did I do that to myself on purpose, for some kind of sick self-gratification? I've thought alot about that, and decided....

Hell no.

Word Of The Day

Today's Word of the Day is: Codependent

The word codependency first emerged in 1979. The basic thought then was that codependents were people whose lives had become unmanageable as a result of living in a relationship with an alcoholic. As we learn more and more about mental health, the definition today is somewhat broadened.

A codependent person is one who has let another person's behavior affect him or her, and who is obsessed with controlling that person's behavior.

The other person might be a child, an adult, a lover, a spouse, a brother, a sister, a grandparent, a parent, a client, or a best friend. He or she could be an alcoholic, a drug addict, a mentally or physically ill person, or a basically normal person.

Think about it....
Do you know anybody who has significantly affected your life, somebody whom you worry about and wish you could change? Does this person's behavior affect your thoughts or your behavior?

What Have I Done For Me Lately?

People who are in relationships with alcoholics are very observant. They are able to turn a kiss "hello" into a quick sniff to see if any alcohol was consumed on the way home. They are able to recollect parties from years past and remember exactly how much alcohol was consumed. They can recite word for word the ridiculous things the alcoholic said when he was drunk. They can tell you how many consecutive days their alcoholic has gone without eating (an advanced ability reserved for more severe cases).

I fancy myself a master at these observations.

After every party I would call my support network to report my findings. "He hasn't had anything to eat since lunch on Friday. He drank at least 16 beers; and that's just the ones I SAW him drink! He jumped in the pool with all his clothes on!"

But something odd happens when the alcoholic stops drinking. Suddenly the codependent doesn't have anything to observe. Nothing to count, nothing to sniff. That's when you start obsessing about other things.....ANYTHING!

You realize you've been so focused on everything the alcoholic was doing that you forgot to observe something even more important....yourself. Taking a look in that mirror is tough. I was so busy for so many years counting how many beers my husband had that I didn't have time to count how many brownies I had, or how much money I had spent, or a lot of other things I was doing obsessively.


It's so much easier to stand back and point out someone else's faults; particularly when they screw up on a regular basis. It's much harder to turn that finger around and point it at yourself.

For years I tried so hard to control an alcoholic, and that is an impossible task. All along, the only person I really ever had any control over was me, and I was doing a crappy job.

I'm trying to work on myself now. I'm writing this journal. I'm eating healthier and exercising. I've lost weight. I've set goals for myself.

I'm on the right track; at least for today.

Mary's MILFs

Now before you go jumping to conclusions...take the time to read my idea of a "MILF"!

Like many codependent women, I have always been attracted to bad boys. Then, once I hook them I work very hard to make them stop doing the very things that attracted me to them in the first place.

I've done this in real life...a bunch. Oh, I'm sure there will be times we will discuss my real life loves, but in "Mary's MILFs" we will talk about fictional characters or maybe celebrities. I was going to put them all in one post, but the more I thought about it the more I thought it would be a great recurring segment.

"Mary's MILFs"......that's "Men I'd Like to FIX"!!!

The first one that comes to mind is a fairly recent MILF. It was 1991, and it was the first time I ever laid eyes on the young and beautiful Brad Pitt. I was recently divorced and went to see "Thelma and Louise". His name was J.D. and they picked him up on the side of the road. He ended up in Thelma's (Gina Davis') hotel room. You remember the scene...

Thelma: You're a real live outlaw, aren't ya?

J.D.: Well I may be an outlaw, darlin', but you're the one stealing my heart.

Of course he stole all their money which forced them to commit armed robbery and ultimately drive their car off a cliff into the Grand Canyon, but damn, he was hot!

In 1991.... I was pretty sure I could have fixed him.

How Did We Wind Up Here?

After reading the page full of unpleasant adjectives that described the word "codependent", and resigning myself to the fact that pretty much all of them fit me, I started thinking "How did it come to this?" I didn't have to read much further into the book to find the answer.

Again...these words paraphrased from "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie

After a couple of years of sobriety, Ms. Beattie was beginning to understand herself, but try as she may she could not understand the codependent people (usually wives of the addicts) she had been assigned to work with.

Years later when she was counseling a group of alcoholics, things changed dramatically. Ms. Beattie became so caught up in the lives of the alcoholics she was counseling that she practically stopped living her life. She stopped thinking. She stopped feeling positive emotions, and was left with rage, bitterness, hatred, fear, depression, helplessness, despair, and guilt. At times she wanted to stop living. She had no energy. She spent most of her time worrying about these addicts and trying to figure out how to control them. She started finding it hard to say "no". Her relationships with friends and family members were in shambles. She felt terribly victimized. She lost herself and didn't know how it had happened. She thought she was going crazy and thought, shaking a finger at the addicts around her "it's their fault"!!! (Sound familiar??)

After floundering in despair for awhile, she began to understand. Like many people who judge others harshly, she realized she had just taken a very long and painful walk in the shoes of those she had judged. Now she understood those crazy codependents. She had become one.

Most people aren't born codependents, although with many of us, characteristics start to develop at a very young age. Most of us grow to become codependent out of necessity. The addicts and alcoholics in our lives create so much chaos for us that we don't have a choice.

We have felt so much hurt that hostility becomes our only defense against being crushed again. We're that angry because anyone who had tolerated what we had would be that angry.
We are controlling because everything around and inside us has been out of control.
We manipulate because manipulation is the only way we can get anything done.
We feel we are going crazy because we have believed so many lies, we don't know what reality is.

It's taken six journal entries to briefly explain what codependence is, and how we get there. It's a sickness all in itself that can be crippling. We don't get there overnight, we don't get out overnight.

An Answer To A Prayer

On my drive to the bookstore that Monday, I started praying. I knew that the previous day's events had been a sign that my life had become unmanageable, and I knew that if I asked him to, God would finally lead me to the right book, the right program.

I walked back to the "Self Help" section, said one more prayer, and within a couple of minutes I had a copy of "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie in my hand. The subtitle read "How to stop controlling others and start caring for yourself."

I bought it.

That night when I began reading it, I knew within the first couple of pages I had been lead to the right book. The next few lines are paraphrased from the book's 'Introduction'.

In 1976, Ms. Beattie was a recovering addict and alcoholic. She had begun to work as a counselor in the chemical dependency field. Because she was a woman, and she had little seniority, she was assigned a job to organize support groups for the wives of addicts in the program.

She was not prepared for the task. She found these women to be hostile, controlling, manipulative, indirect, guilt producing, difficult to communicate with, and more. In her group she saw women who felt responsible for the entire world, but they refused to take responsibility for leading and living their own lives.

She saw people who constantly gave to others, but didn't know how to receive. She saw people give until they were angry, exhausted, and emptied of everything. These were women who were experts at taking care of everyone around them, yet doubted their ability to take care of themselves.

She saw mere shells of people, racing mindlessly from one activity to another. She saw people-pleasers, martyrs, stoics, tyrants, withering vines, and clinging vines.

Most of them were obsessed with other people. With great precision and detail, they could recite long lists of their addict's deeds and misdeeds: what he or she thought, felt, did and said; and what he or she didn't think, feel, do , and say. They knew exactly what the alcoholic or addict should and shouldn't do. And they wondered extensively why he or she did or didn't do it.

Yet these codependents who had such great insight into others couldn't see themselves. They didn't know what, if anything, they could do to solve their problems (if indeed, they had any problems--other than the alcoholics)!

Soon, she subscribed to two popular beliefs.
1. These crazy codependents (wives/significant others) are sicker than the alcoholics.
2. And, no wonder the alcoholic drinks; who wouldn't with a crazy spouse like that?!

Was I as bad as the people Melody Beattie described? Had I been so busy watching, analyzing , and attempting to control my husband and everyone else, that I'd lost control of myself? Was I "codependent", and what does that really mean, anyway?Could this be....me?

I looked down at my out of shape, overweight body. I replayed the "unfortunate deck incident" and a thousand others just like it over again in my mind.

Oh, I've definitely found the right book.