By Friday evening I was teary, bitchy, and my heart was heavy. My thoughts were irrational, and I couldn't seem to pull myself together. Okay....now what to do.
I tried calling on some of the coping methods I've learned from Kate during the last 3 years, but that wasn't working. So, I did what any good depressed person does--I went to bed. Sure. It was still light outside. It was about 8:30. I didn't say good night to my family, I just went to bed.
I woke up at 12:45 a.m. and looked at my phone. Missed text messages, missed phone calls. A clear reminder of how I had checked out of my life, and missed out on what was important. One friend really needed my help and I wasn't there for her. I went back to sleep, and didn't get up until 8:30 in the morning. Twelve hours of my life shut down. I've got to get up now and face this shit. I felt rejuvenated physically, now how to get my head straight. Think Mary, THINK. Use your tools.
It didn't help that my morning started out with an instant whammy. A little drama with one of my teenagers. Do I retreat back to bed? Do I run away? Right then, running away was winning. My neck was hurting from sleeping so long.
I decided to address that situation, then leave to go to the grocery. It was the closest I could get to running away. When I returned, I made up my mind to take on a project at the house. Something I could do by myself. While I was working, I started dissecting the thoughts that got me out of sorts in the first place. I switched them from their irrational form to a more rational one. Then I worked on a solution for the parts I had control over, and decided to accept the parts over which I had NO control, and just let them be. I also made the decision to stay alcohol free for the day. I need my head clear. I'm going to continue that today as well.
So this Sunday morning I feel better. My head is still clear, and in a little while I will go back to my project. I will be productive today, and I will continue to focus on the things I can control--not those I can't.
Interesting, but I was proof reading this piece, and realized how hopelessly ridiculous it will sound to anyone who has never experienced anxiety and depression. Those "normal" folks out there, who would think "just get over it". In fact, I almost deleted the post. But maybe, just maybe there is one person who reads this, that will know what it feels like to be paralyzed with fear. To have irrational thoughts swirling through their head like a tornado. To feel so sad and lonely that they don't see a way out. A person who has stray tears stream down their cheek throughout the day for no apparent reason. Maybe that person will see that there is a way to cope. I'm not sure there's a "cure"--if this is in you, it's likely going to stay in you--but you can learn techniques to manage it. To cope, and move on. It requires time and effort. It doesn't happen overnight, but it can happen. So for that reason, the post stays.
Happy Sunday. Peace.
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